Today I had to say goodbye to a good friend without actually being able to do it in person. I knew she was busy and doesn’t always answer the phone so I sent a text hoping she would call but all I got was a goodbye text. Its okay but its not but it is, if you know what I mean?
I cried a lot, got dressed with the inner critic poking judgement at the moth holes in my jumper “are you really going out looking like that?” Yes f you Mr A….Jasper and I drove to near the park while gun metals skies overhead harbinged rain, the wind was icy so we just ran about with me crying. At least I am moving and I did allow myself to feel the full impact for half an hour crying at home alone.
I then dropped Jasper back and thought its time to focus on something else for a time so I am out at the library now after having had lunch and changing the clothes for my sister that did not suit. I realised if I just sat and focused on the pain I would not end up in a good place today and I AM sad she is the only friend who wants to catch up every week. but counting my blessings I thought there is still my cousin who I see each week and my therapist Kat so all is not lost and there is my blog too….
I don’t want to imply wounds don’t hurt but at times focusing on them just makes us feel worst. I would rather “kiss the joy as it flies,” to quote William Blake than keep focused on the loss of it. I could go to South Africa and visit my friend and we can email. It still is so sad that she is going though but the abandonment pain is not so bad that I feel I will die. That certainly is progress!
Emerging From The Dark Night 
❤
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I’m really sorry about your friend. I don’t think I quite understand, what the reason behind the goodbye text, if you don’t mind me asking? I can see your point about not focusing on pain and hurt; it’s quite a catch 22 sometimes because avoiding and distraction can mean you don’t deal with something and it’ll eventually hit you full force and make you worse, but focusing on it can also make everything more amplified, more painful. A tricky one but I think you’re right with that positive attitude to it, to keep going, focus on what you do have. Sending hugs ♥
Caz xx
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Yes thanks for that Caz I really get what you are trying to say. I ve amended this comment as I was having breakfast and rushed my earlier reply. I did feel this one through, I do know when I defend and block but moving actually helped me to cry more and that is what I have experienced over past years with depression and grief. If I just sit still sometimes it doenst move out of me but if I get out or go for a run grief or feelings start to move and dont get as blocked, so yes is a fine line and not everyone may process grief the same way.
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Also did you mean the reason why I texted her or she texted me? She often does not see a missed call and has left me for days and not responded simply because she did not see missed calls so that is why I texted her. I had hoped she would call me back she said she would call me the day before when I could not meet her two other times due to appointments but she didnt call that is why I sent a text. just to clarify
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Aah that makes sense – my addled, sleep deprived brain was struggling so I wanted to clarify what you’d meant. Definitely agree with how we all grieve or deal with any negative emotions so differently, and we just need to figure out what works for us at that time. xx
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❤ Love you Caz.. take care of yourself….
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