The necessity of falling apart : a new dawn

As I sat with my sister yesterday and saw how collapsed she was and heard her saying how her life was such a mess and the she was broken part of me thought, yes this is the truth, why is everyone trying to argue with her and tell her she is thinking wrong or has it wrong, if only she thought this way or did this thing it would be better?  That is not to deny that a change in her perceptual reality would assist her to find and live from her whole spirit again (that part of her that is eternal and always remains unbroken) but maybe that shift of perspective or perception can only occur THROUGH or as a result of things falling apart for her and her battle inside her mind.  I saw yesterday how exhausted she was and I know how much she has gone through and how alone she has felt.

I know all the stress my sister has been through over years ever since my accident in 1979 launched a tsunami of catastrophe in our family and it wasnt only the outplay of multigenerational abandonment and addiction on Mum’s side there was my sister’s husbands family too decimated by the disease.  In time my brother in law’s mother got sober but not for long as throat cancer eventually took her.  The father went to a care home one brother died in a serious crash after an argument with my brother in law and drinking and then later in life my sister supported his wife through cancer and her ex husband’s brother as well.  She always fronted up, she always showed compassion, she always cared, now to see how my fucking brother has dumped her in a psychiatric place where she’s fed to the wolves who prescribe meds and now want to give shock treatment AGAINNNN FUCK!!!!

I  should not blame my brother, he downs his 3 scotches or whatever a night so he has his own pain relief. I just hate to see my sister so emotionally abandoned in this way.  If he could only have contained her but he could not as he has not had his own therapy and I know its mean and unrealistic of me to even think this way.  He did the best thing he knew how but it wasnt half good enough and yes I know, it is not in his power to fix her, so I should not be blaming him for his own lack of consciousness.

I can’t help feeling I failed my sister but I know I did not.  I called and called after Mum died what I failed to do was get her out into some life and just give company but my sister also decided to retreat after Mum died which to me is perfectly understandable if you knew what she had been through over the past 10 years you would fully understand.  Each time she tried to get herself up some force in the families unconsciousness knocked her down again with it’s split off alcoholic ways.

I did sleep last night while running the gamut of thoughts about what I can do to help her through my head.  She does need some cosy clothes much as others tell her she doesn’t.  That irks me.  But I also don’t have heaps of energy to go out shopping for stuff she often rejects as I have been there in the past.  I am happy to help her one day but I also know I need to keep my boundaries as with my house, garden and Jasper I have a bit going on which I am slowly getting on top of.   And I also know clothes  are not the full answer but for her to feel good she needs to feel comfortable and cosy and nurtured not just told she is making a mountain out of a molehill!

I know I must keep regular contact with my sister, but the amount of what I have to give to the dis ease going on inside of her has to have limits because to my mind I cannot change her perceptual reality, I can only notice her and try to get her to hold onto the good and not let the destructive inner critical voice that wants to lay her to waste totally destroy her.  All who read this blog will I am sure identify.  We all go through that battle in our minds and hearts and often its the falling apart that is necessary for us to see what was going on unconsciously before with us so we can bring the shadow to light in us and heal it with that light.  That is why I am presently doing a lot of concentrating on my Presence Process breathing practice every morning and when I hit a wall of feeling/resistance I am holding myself in the middle of the fear and letting it burn up my defences.  It’s the only why I see forward.

I am with Eckhart Tolle and Edward Whitmont who say the heroic egoic mindset that we have lived under is failing us as a collective, it’s not that we don’t have to be heros in our own life but we cannot just vanquish darkness, vulnerability and unconsciousness with a huge fight, we need a long time of coming to terms with the forces of darkness inside of us and in the culture and we need to stop demonizing emotions which appear dark but are so necessary to restore our lost or stolen vitality, especially rage, while learning not to rage unnecessarily or take on battles we cannot win, surrendering when we know certain things are beyond us and must be let go of or accepted as part of a larger process.

A strong clear life affirming rage can burn things clean and break us open to deeper griefs or loss that needs to be opened to and released in order that we can meet a new dawn.  It is this new dawn that arises out of a dark night fully encompassed and surrendered to. It is this new dawn that brings to life a new way of living on earth that is not so hostile to feelings, the feminine, soulful vulnerability and the strongly embodied self in touch with both polarites of dark and light.  I believe it is this conscious feminine that so longs to be born out of the wreckage of our deeply unconscious present ways of living out of contact with the soul and nature which thrive on such ideals as perfection, surface appearances, conquest, power over, lack of respect for natural soul processes and an earthly organic way of living in full embodied connection with life, earth, nature and others free of blockages that keep our hearts imprisoned in fear and barricaded from a life giving forces of regeneration, self acceptance, compassion, honest authentic power and love.