The gardener came and took her money

The gardener came and got her money.  I asked her if we could go slow with the garden then she asked me why and I shared how cutting things traumatised me her response was a harsh “listen lets call it quits but I want my money and I will be around in 15 minutes to get it!’  I had no intention of holding her money back and it riled me anyway to the point I swore… long story short I raced out to get the money she took it to leave me dissolving in tears again and feeling like I had the mistake of my life and was yet alone again, another broken relationship and my left breast near the cancer site is just burning and burning and burning.

I could not help but think of the garden mothering wound today as I contemplated all of this as I do.  She was not willing to discuss my needs for boundaries it was to be all her way or the highway just like with my ex, so why do I feel like I have stuffed up and am a totaly idiot, an impractial waste of space.  I see my garden needs help at it is beyond my expertise and capabilities.  And now I feel so alone again.  Could it be this is triggering a deeper wound for me.  Its terrifies me to ask for what I want and to express an opinion out of fear of being abandoned but what I often heard Margaret Paul of Inner Bonding practice say is that in adulthood we cannot be abandoned only left.  The gardener will not come again with her dog who loved playing with my dog and that makes me feel so sad….yesterday despite everything I did feel I had energy to eat and get moving while I had the company but when I offered her to take her dog Cherie to the park she said “no I dont trust dog parks!!!”  In five years Jasper and I only had one bad abnormal experience at the park.   That gave me a degree of insight into her psychology.

I know its not the end of the world so why does it feel like it is and as if I will drown here with the garden?

I am grateful to my followers that I can pour all of this out here.   I am aching for a soft English place and space, the hard Australian mentality does my head in here often.   I feel so far from home.   Where is the softness, the “I will listen to you and respect your need to move slowly?” instead of the hard line “well this is it, I am just out of here”(with the underlying feeling, you are obviously fucked up!! which is what she mentioned of her partner’s ex who suffered melancholy as if it was a disease!!!)  It ends up with me feeling so young overpowered with grief and full of emotion (which is a sure sign I have been triggered and have age regresssed).   Could it be that this happening close to my older sister’s death is triggering wound around her, in full flight the gardener Susan was a lot like my older sister in her hard phases??  And like my own Mum when she would run amock.

My therapist just called back and she said this triggering my inner child wound, that I did a great job of setting a boundary, that I did say no and she didn’t respect it and that I did nothing wrong.   I really hope that is true but when I am regressed everything seems wrong, my inner critic slams me and I sink to the bottom of that ocean until a life raft from my therapist pulls me back to the surface.