Still grieving

Its coming up to the fourth anniversary of my older sister Judith’s death on 20 April and I am wondering if today that is why I had such an onslaught of grief.  Jude also loved things to grow wild in a family where Mum was constantly perfecting everything and got into a rage at ‘mess’ or disorder.  In the care home she would often leave a vase of dead flowers and get angry when Mum wanted to throw them out.   When Mum and I had to clear her room following her death I was stunned at Mum’s callous disregard for many of her possessions, amongst which were cards, letters, craft work, nature magazines, her childrens drawings (they were removed from her following her psychosis as a reaction to a cerebral bleed and her husband’s betrayal/infidelity). Mum wanted to throw everything out but I kept a lot of it to distribute to those who would like it and then slowly got rid of those things that needed to be let go.

All this comes to mind today as Mum is dead now too and this will be the first anniversary of Judith’s death that Mum will not be alive for.  I could not help but think about my Mum after the female gardener left today.  She had no stop or go slow button and alcoholism was mentioned which was my clue that she had a lot of repressed emotions.  She was agro about being paid and had extra firm boundaries which is understandable as I know how dealing with the general public can be as far as payment and money is concerned but not to trust an electronic transfer which I know from experience goes in immediately spoke to me of deeper fears.

Anyway the loss of certain things from my garden today is probably a trigger for lots of other losses in my life and as far as Jude’s death goes that anniversary is always accompanied by the shedding of the leaves of my big tulip tree that covers my back deck.

I sense this grief that hit me today is not just about the garden but to me the garden and nature are representative of soulful spritual energy inbued with cosmic life force that just allows them to grow true to their own agenda not warped or twisted by any human force and my garden in the quiet calm secluded enclave of my street is my sanctury. It surrounds my house in a way that new houses are not surrounded, as these days for some reason when a house gets torn down the new one occupies nearly the whole block which I LOATHE WITH A VENGENANCE!!!!

Things getting stripped and taken away is a trigger but allowing new energy into my life was not totally wrong and I guess always comes with risks.   Part of me would like the gardener lady back as I know she has expertise that I do not have in terms of garden maintenance, planting and fertilising my garden. But I also need to remember my heart and soul is tender around this time of year, what happened today was neither all bad or all good, things just went a little too fast for me and I didnt feel my own sensitivities were taken into account and when it comes to my garden which is so important to me, they really do need to be.