The gardener left In three hours she stripped away half of my garden I went outside to clear up and just could not stop crying I dont know why But I love plants like ivy climbing up other plants, which was the case with my persimmon tree. The ivy was wending its way up the trunk well she stripped that away. She filled every bin to overflowing and left no where for me to put my leaves. I just felt like I had been raped but at the same time I had the thought it was good for the garden and things will grow back in time. Am I over reacting?
Then it was like a dam burst inside me and I just could not stop crying It was full force and I am no longer meant to call my therapist between sessions but I did I just did not really know what happened as it such a massive reaction to have to a garden being cleared and all I can come up with is the feeling the my protection is being stripped away from me, like all those times disaster hit and I could do nothing like watching a tsumani appear, a giant wave that just took everything and watching every tumbling around inside it and knowing they would drown or fall or end up washed up where they will according to the ocean god’s will then Neptune as lord of the deep and chaos came to mind In the middle of all of this I pulled my ‘clean’ sheets and clothes out of the washing machine to find them covered in dirt? What is happening. is this the unconscious making itself known…on a family holiday where clean sheets got blown off the line and covered in mud my Mum flew into a rage and everyone around her was just laughing I only mention that as I just feel something is going on today with Mercury retrograde and then Tuesday is Mars day.
Writing has calmed my tears for now. I was obviously in an intense flashback. This gardening woman is very strong willed and she spoke run on run without a word to get in and then when I didnt have cash to pay her and offered to go get it was not prepared to wait as she had not told me at the outset although maybe I should have asked that cash was her only accepted method of payment. She told me her mother was ‘a nasty bitch’ when I took her out a coffee and how I needed to live in the present and not keep going over my past. I gently reminded her that until the past is dealt with it doesnt really let us go and can keep on repeating. She is supposed to be coming back next Tuesday but I want her to hold off. She wants to cut off low lying tree branches so they dont block the path. I like the path being a little blocked. I like it that nature can touch me and pass its energy onto me. I want to call off Tuesday but I also want a good gardener for my garden I feel it’s a catch 22 situation and since I have no one to talk to I am sharing this all here. I feel just so dam soft and vulnerable a lot of the time and feel an idiot as others dont struggle as I do to achieve clarity. However I have to be open here and honest I am struggling with how I feel about her coming back.. From the moment I had contact with this woman I started to cry which made me wonder what the hell she is running from and I might have picked upon but maybe she just triggered some sadness of my own. I just dont know with my mind the truth of it all and then I have the thought that something is occuring to do with us being shadows of each other if that makes any sense at all? Do my feelings make sense What do I trust more feelings and reactions or thoughts… and now I am probably just over thinking it.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Wow. Really identify with everything you just wrote and especially about your garden and living things being torn up to die. A neighbor who’s driveway borders my yard, trimmed my wall of lilacs down to stubs and I was heartbroken. He assured me that they would grown bigger and better next year, but it hit me hard.
I couldn’t handle a gardener tearing up my garden or my yard. It’s hard to maintain, especially since I have severe arthritis, but the only one I trust is my husband because he knows I am connected to each and every flower, even the dandelions. He will even mow around a single daisy or a violet or plant a peach tree in New England.
Your writing is awesome, goes straight to my heart, So glad I found your blog, although I think you found me first, so thank you!
PS Follow your instincts on the gardener.
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Oh wow thank you so much for understanding and for reblogging this. I just spoke to my therapist and I let this woman talk me into a further two days of stripping next week and due to the fact I havent paid her yet I cant just pull the pin but I need to … to pay her and cut her loose… Her energy is just too strong for me and she has some hidden issues I believe…. your affirmation means so much to me. I dont want to loose any more of my beautiful wild garden. She has already nearly stripped it bare.
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Also when they say ‘it will grow bacl’ thats pretty invalidating…I am so glad you have a soft tender mindful hubby xoxo
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Reblogged this on Women Who Think Too Much by Jeanne Marie and commented:
Sharing an intense, honest and talented writer…
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She’s just testing your waters and reminding you of where you’ve been. Do you feel stronger than those many years ago when you felt smothered by those powerful people?
And sometimes those old ways of being are needed to be cut away, to realise your worth is much more stronger now, and that any new growth is simply a new way of being. The fact that you asked her there was your way of telling yourself ‘its time for me’, to break free of a holding pattern and ‘choose’ your own path.
That takes great strength and courage ❤
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I dont know She is choosing to do things i dont want done as well and in talking to my therapist i think my lesson here is to put up a stop or go slow on this, as she is barrelling through with her ideas for my garden some of which are okay but some of which arent.
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Then just take one step at a time, slow the process so you can go at your pace and digest what is happening. Halve her time or less frequent visits should at least give you that time 😀
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Thanks Mark thats the conclusion I came to this afternoon. She has a very intense ‘fast’ energy I find it overwhelming and to feel so upset after a visit or encounter isnt a good sign. Thanks for your feedback.
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she obviously triggered you. dont you get a say in how the garden is done? you should. Im sorry you got triggered and felt so sad xoxo
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Bless you… she is just a very strong personality. thanks for feeling sad for me it really hurt today huggles ❤
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This is such a unique style… It flows so quickly and with so much frustration, but at the same time the words flow effortlessly like a torrent of raw emotion and active processing thereof. I love this.
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Thanks that is exactly what i was doing yesterday. I write for me really to just express and this morning I see what got triggered for me yesterday was huge and it really spun me around. I just poured it all out here.
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I write much the same… I just start with an idea and follow it, stream of consciousness style. You created a beautiful piece of writing here.
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Oh thank you so much I just let it flow maybe that is the way to go. ❤ bless you dear soul.
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