Fear of engulfment?

Do you struggle with fears of being engulfed by others?  Lately I am questioning if this fear is part of high sensitivity or part of the past history of my life where as a child born to much older parents (in the early 60s when this was less common) and to far older siblings.  At home it seemed that others held all the power and that I was at the mercy of their will.  This is shown in my astrology by a lot of planets Sun, Moon, Mars, Mercury, Venus Jupiter and the South Node all in Aquarius in the 7th house of ‘other’ while my North Node sits in Leo in the first house which involves the use of self will and concerns the issue of individuality.

My therapist made the point yesterday that rebellion was in fact very necessary part of my growth as it was the only way I could hold onto myself in this environment.  I didnt really feel as though I belonged in my family and this extends to how I often relate in groups and why at times I hold back from relationships, there is a fear of being overpowered by that stronger will and I have read that the important soul lesson for those with Leo North Node is to develop their own will and needs without being pressured by others who try to tell them they are being ‘selfish’ for Leo need a self, or at least a strong sense of one to guide their own journey in life.

I am sharing this today as today I let a new person into my life to do work in my garden.  I have had in this situation to bow to their expertise in terms of horticulture as at the moment my garden has been a bit of a mess and undernourished over the long summer.  Lots of plants are going to be taken out and cut back which will interfere with the ‘wild’nature of my garden but I think its necessary in order to grow a new garden and make space for certain plants which are being over crowded by other plants.  This morning I felt myself being a little overpowered but I surrendered to the process.  The gardener is a very strong woman with sound horticultural knowledge which I lack and she is recommending cutting things back hard to encourage new growth.  This makes sense to me but it means losing the soft green leafy foliage that I find great comfort in.  Today I am just sitting with my fear of being overpowered because I feel this is necessary for me to make the changes in my garden I need to.   Oh and did I mention that she turned up with a gorgeous dog that is the same breed as my Jasper and they have been playing all morning.

Sometimes my fears are just phantoms and sometimes they are like echoes of old situations which no longer apply and have most probably long ago reached their use by date.   Today I surrendered in spite of my fear.  I will keep you updated on my progress.