Is it a lie : All alone

It is a lie

I tell myself

That I can sustain myself alone from within

Last night the Philosophy professor said

Self sufficiency is a lie

And I know I did not come here

Without two bodies and souls joining

If only for a brief time

On a drunken night

But why then

Has this inner loneliess

Dogged nearly every step

Why the emptiness

That descends like fog

Taking me down

To a place that is so deep and dark

Echoing with voices of ancestors

I only imagine I hear?

Or am I really

A channel for the collective unconcious of this family

When you call me to say

I cannot come tonight

My head is aching

I feel like crying

Are these your unshed tears

My chest is tight

You say

“I’ll go so as not to bother you”

But you are my sister

Shouldnt I want to be bothered?

But there are years of hurt between us

You say you have let go

I dont know why

You could not give me shelter as a young girl

Or a kind word

I looked up to my older sister

But I oftten saw a frown

Or a look of disapproval

On your face

Now things are changed

And years ago you said to me

When I was younger I thought you were a pest

Now I quite like having a younger sister

How did it feel to hear you told others

I was full of envy

I let it go

But it sometimes that old pain echoes here

And now Mum is gone

Do I just let go of the other threads and bindings

That tie me to family?

I dont have answers

Only a lot of questions

The experts say

“Don’t think too much for you will only lead yourself astray”

So I let go of thoughts to find

My heart is aching and full of tears

I have shed over so many years

And then my soul says “write!”

It seems to me that it is only writing that saves me

So I open the pages of a book

Or write those first lines of a poem

I can dive within to reveal my soul

Who knows what all the hurting is for

Who knows if always and only and finally

I will always be self sufficient

All alone