Trying my best to move forward.

All I can do on some days is make a commitment to do my best to move forward.  Sometimes a dark day exists for a reason and sometimes sorrow comes with things to teach me.  I know my feelings are inner guidance but at times they seem very overwhelming to me and as an insecurely attached person I often doubt, question and falter but I also need to remind myself of my strength most particularly on days like today after days like yesterday when I felt SO SO vulnerable.

Maybe yesterday I was being shown a truth about that vulnerability.  I know fearing abandonment in the past I have done anything to try to make people stay with me and showing a bright supportive face is one way.   Its how I coped in my family with a lack of focus on me, I did what i could to help Mum and I didnt question or know what was going on in terms of being emotionally abandoned and having a parent who could not really relate to her own emotinal insides passed on a legacy.  My Mum also was super independent as a child abandoned by a dead father with a mother who could only provide limited care and was whipped out of school to clean the chapel instead of supported as a fatherless daughter.  It gave Mum and all of us a great work ethic but no where much to go with deeper needs and feelings and this emotional mess is something I am still dealing with at age 56.    And on days like the weekend I do the same with my sister who is suffering from depression, I make a offer to do things that she could really do for herself, partly it comes out of care and kindness but partly then I can feel resentful especially when I am told I am the ‘strong’ one.   Lately I am questioning if its a karmic destiny for me to have to stand alone and without much connection with my family of origin.  I wrote a poem about a closed door yesterday which I didnt post but it spoke of how maybe closed doors are a sign we need to let go instead of fight againt the will our evolving self shows to us.

Mercury planet of communications is travelling retrograde until 15 April so in astro terms its not a time to force things, when we meet road blocks or closed doors we may need to ask what the message is.   If we try to force things at this time they can backfire and often we are being given deeper insights into our self, communications and relationships at this time which may only become fully apparent after Mercury moves forward again and passes the degree at which it turn retrograde which this time I believe is around 17 degrees Aries.  Aries is a sign of self expression and self propulsion, it’s also go to do with fire and our divine spark, that core quality of us that makes us unique.  We also share a planet with billions of other ‘sparks’ some with stronger and more forceful wills than ours and its never easy negotiating our path through life with putting our own will, desires out there as well as trusting our intuition.  So while its moving backwards we will get insights into this, at least that is what I have been picking up these past few days.

So let youreself tune deep within over the next few weeks.   For me I have therapy soon, so will leave my journal post there.  An inner vulnerability revealed itself to me over the weekend but maybe there is great honesty in owning that?  Maybe I am getting greater insights into the emotional legacy.