When you went away

When you went away

No time to say goodbye

You died alone

Under a procedure

No one there to hold your hand

The news was final

Dealt with a shock blow

That left us reeling

How can it be

That in a matter of weeks

You were torn away

And the frayed edges never really healed

I was always scrambling to fill

Not only the hole left

But the deeper absence

That I felt when your soul was not present

Nor fully engaged

While you were alive

There were so few times you ever cuddled me

Or told me how much you loved me

So was it any wonder

I carried such a hunger

And sought so little to think of or value my worth

Now I see the truth of it

What a lonely and deeply empty place it left me in

When the one who did not really love me anyway

Also chose then to leave me too

Abandoning me to emptiness

I could not really fathom

But tried so desperately

To drown out

Now all that is left of the place

Where real human male love should live

Is an empty space

I have not really ever known it

And so I have had to find it from within

In the knowing of my worth

In the grieving

Which is both a realisation

And shedding of illusions

That kept me blind

As I think of the lost years

And how emptiness was always there

A haunting memory

And longing

That lingered around every night fall and day dawn

Like a ghost

I finally know

How painful it felt

When you went away