Unravelling in my becoming

Then there was England Then there was not Just a vast wide blue sea Cast before me Separating me from the destiny I chose But lost the way to And in that ocean I feared I would drown In that rip I was taken out On an Easter morning Swimming alone It was useless to fight and So I could only surrender to the tide Until it let me go And freed me to swim to shore What a powerful metaphor!

But the returning to dry land Was a death Where everything I hoped to build Was turned to ash And I could not find my way back Just like Parsifal Lost his way back To the grail castle The questions I asked were mistaken

Now many years hence I see how much the failure was not mine Just part of a larger destiny Forwards and back to the land of my ancestors Where I eventually crashed Head split open I then wandered in oblivion Like Parsifal Useless to blame anyone Were we not all just threads being woven in a larger tapestry Across ages A tapestry twisted through with angst and lost grief Threads of which disappeared with the weave Only to reappear in the pattern Later?

Last night I finally let it go When you talked of a world in which I became only satelite Observer to stronger wills Was it any wonder I drowned in that ocean of booze Its been a long road back To any semblance of stability Authenticity or reality And often my fabric tore Wide apart As I questioned why or even if I really lived Was I here by fate or free will? Trying to make sense of where it all ‘went wrong’ Only realising later it had to In order that I could find the way back home To my longing To my desire Freed finally from you The ocean I was born from Torn back to

Anger, longing for the wrong thing, hurt and frustration only took me so far and kept me tied up by invisible strings A mixed up piece of twine That had to unravel As I struggled to free the threads And make them available for use In a new work of art My becoming My growing Into the one I was meant to be After being freed from you

Only this I know I am a work in progress Lately sensing myself becoming free For a greater different destiny