More family dilemmas

I had a conversation with my sister this morning.  She never calls me much and I care about her even though at times she triggers me so I called this morning.  When I shared with her I gave my nephew money last she implied that I had done the wrong thing or that it should have been a loan instead of an outright gift.  This boy’s wounds are not my responsibility,  I know, but his mother my oldest sister is now dead and so is his father and he has little in the way of financial or emotional support and has just had major surgery due to being a family carrier of inherited trauma.  (I inititally headed this post mean streak but then changed it as I thought she was being quiet mean and lacking in empathy!)

For me I have been lucky to have financial help though no emotional support at all from family members. Its something I denied to myself for so long.  It’s taken me so long to see they are not generous emotionally and can even be mean with money at times (not my mother though she was pretty generous to those she loved) but other members who have more than enough to help those in the family who struggle.  It’s something I shared about back in October just before my mother died.

Anyway I know I cannot give endlesssly to this family member and have told him so but I also dont see the harm in giving some help.  I got such a sick feeling during the call with my sister,  its as though she is so blocked and withholding but I am hesitant to judge or even write this as I know the trauma she has gone through that makes her wary and suspicious of anyone at all and her impulse may be to protect me from being too pulled upon…never the less it make me feel uneasy inside.    I was so stressed after the phone call I had to get out for a long walk and that helped me as when I talk to her I literally feel like I am in a pressure chest and am going to explode with all the long, long silences and depressed suspicious energy I sense.

There is literally not one family member I feel I can call on presently for emotional support.  I was sharing with a friend how I have always been called ‘the strong one’ but no one is strong all the time, sometimes I need someone to depend upon. That said I am grateful for my therapist and one or two friends who understand how I feel and how alone I am left emotionally.  Its not tenable with my family…..its like an empty well but not with my nephews who I feel a connection with (only the sons of my dead sister).  I know due to their own circumstances they dont have much to give back.   So I walk a fine line here between caring and not over caring.  Just needed to get this off my chest before therapy today and to ease some of the mental, emotional and physical pressure I am feeling.