Grateful

I am ending the day out today with gratitude in my heart.  I felt such a swelling up of sadness this morning as I remembered the years of closeness my ex husband and I shared during 11 years of marriage that then disappeared.  The last 3 years were painful with me not able to go back to the UK with him and commit to life there due to the illness and trauma in my family and the unwillingness I had at that stage to fully participate in life with such a huge legacy of trauma I had not yet addressed.  It takes a big heart to encompass all of this, to know we caused others pain due to the fact we were only human, struggling, doing our best and not often being shown the necessary empathy or compassion by others who had not one clue of the depth of our plight or hidden history…

I just swept up the leaves after rising this morning and when Jasper ambled out I started crying to the depths of my stomach while he gently turned his back to sit near me and guard me quietly as I released the feelings.  I had a commitment today to take out a friend who had shoulder surgery two weeks ago due to a botched flu jab.   I had a long way to go to pick her up, had not been there before and its a new estate not on my map.  I didnt panic just decided I needed to ditch Jasper’s morning walk today to leave early and find a newagent or gas station with a map.   I am not technologically savvy enough to download a small map on the mobile phone and to read it with limited eyesight while driving a car and I dont have a GPS.

Anyway it all turned out okay I got a bit lost at the final stage of the journey but called my friend and she directed me. We drove the 30 or so kilometres into town and had lunch and I had time this afternoon to get home and walk Jazzie around the block.  Its a late summer/early autumn day here and I was filled with gratitude not only for my mobility but also for the fact I have survived my painful past.   It was a little sad having lunch in the neighbourhood next to where my Mum used to live, but nice to be with someone sharing time and talking, too.

I just read a post on holding on tight to pain and how the person found some comfort in that.  I know myself at times I do hold onto pain and its hard to release it and give it room to breathe and feel it, nevertheless over the past few months since Mum died I do find myself pausing more and deepening into my body and the present moment more than I used to do and its a relief when I can get those painful feelings flow out when they rise up unbidden.

Trauma can drive us out of our physical bodies and there develops a schism inside that is not fully conscious, something I was discussing with my nephew yesterday whose little daughter developed seizures after a visit to us back in December two weeks before my Mum died.  We were talking about contracted repressed emotions and how they can play out.  He wants Lyra off the steriods she is on in 6 months as opposed to 12 months the medicos are recommending. They dont know the cause of her siezures.. not surprising to me.. when ever does the medical profession look into the deeply hidden power of emotions in us???  As well as carried emotions and repressions.   As my nephew said to me “her neural pathways are still forming and I dont want too much damage to be done”.  Apparently she is crying a lot and I have a feeling she is expressing sadness for our family as some kind of container of it all. I saw that in her astrology due to the aspects in place when the seizures hit.  There is a family unconscious.

Really when I think about it all,I am so grateful for my sobriety journey.    How happy I was to have money to give them to help when they are struggling (he following his operation) with a new move and how happy that I could get out in my car today to support a friend who cannot drive for another few weeks?   How lucky am I that I could feel that sadness today about my marriage and yet understand that not everything is lost?  How lucky am I to have this blog as a platform to share and to read amazing posts and poetry from other writers working to be honest and self express in their own lives?  How lucky was I to be able to share about this with my own friend today?  How lucky was I to have a loving puppy dog to come home to today and sit by me when I grieved?

Today I am counting my blessings.  Its easy on a sunny afternoon.  I have endured so much loss but I am lucky to be alive and be breathing really.  It could be so much worse and so I felt the need to share today and encourage others to count the blessings they do have in their lives.   Wishing everyone peace today.  Surely the purpose of all our suffering is to learn to grow compassion and wisdom within so we can share these gifts with others?