Sometimes I want to give up trying to connect and to reach out. Sometimes I feel it would be better just to live from the centre of myself not expecting anything, hoping for anything, asking for anything. It often seems if you try to connect someone will respond with their own agenda, they have an expectation of you something you could give and sometimes you are aware that you may not always be able to fill that need in them, for some things we need to find inside first. When you can’t do it on their timing people may end up getting pissed off. I am also beginning to question how much of our life is about others and how much about ourselves and self care? Surely it is a balance between the two?
I cried a fair bit today, my heart felt sore. It wasn’t only the non response of my niece it was that I also tried to connect via another medium and when a person responded with a demand I wasnt able to fulfil I was then dropped. It reminded me of those past times in relationships when it became clear that what I felt and what I needed, whatever emotion I was going through at that time was not important to the other person, I opened the door, put my heart on the line and it got trampled on and I am most surely not alone in this experience. It’s just now a few months after my Mum’s death I am realising that I am even more vulnerable and sensitive than I was before and that doesnt mean I won’t get through the hurt but when it pierces me the cut goes so deep inside that I feel I have no defences, so now I just want to shut the door for a while and take full responsibility for my own happiness on any day instead of looking elsewhere for those times when I connect with what I love for me I feel better (and I am sorry if that seems selfish).
I also do forget that for every person who treats me or someone else in this way there is out there another person who will not. Its just for now I feel like giving up.
Today, too a family member asked for help and I was able to give it. So that felt good, its most certainly not all about me and what I need, but when I am grieving and feeling extra sensitive it would be so nice to have a hand to hold or a heart to care in the physical realm. To say no words but just be there together with it in my heart. Sometimes my heart gets tired. But then I remember my dog Jasper does that for me..then I count my blessings.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Was nice to read about Jasper at the end! Hope you can pull through.
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Thanks Connor I am..I will it comes and goes that soul ache…
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It’s difficult with my family, my extended family. We are estranged for a while now, and I just don’t know if things will ever go back to where they were before.
Jasper! The love of your fur kids is such a comfort.
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Its hard that estrangement but maybe necessary? To find our soul family? I dont know but possibly…yes bless our beautiful furry friends they are such solace..love and all good wishes ❤
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I took things personally. It was a matter of being good friends with my cousin’s ex wife after the divorce. I thought nothing of it but my cousin thought it was matter of loyalty. Never mind that it was his actions that had led to their divorce. So it was that and a host of other issues that led me to say “You know what? No.”
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Best to stand up and be real…we sometimes lose connections as a result but so be it…i know it hurts though
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I agree. I can’t compromise who I am in order to be more ‘convenient’ to others. Why should I?
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If you do then you end up losing yourself. I know cause i have done it and it ended up in a really empty place.
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i’m sorry it feels that way right now. i’ve felt similarly. all we all really need is someone to physically comfort us, care, and be there. xo
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Exactly ❤
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I’m so sorry you’re finding this too – I’ve been through similar, and it’s as heartbreaking as it is angering sometimes to feel that you, you’re emotions, what you’re going through just aren’t that important, that you don’t get that care reciprocated when you’re there for others. Please don’t give up – like you said, for the person that is ignorant, there will be a person that’s compassionate. Sending hugs your way xxxx
Caz
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Thank so much Caz, I am sure so many of us go through this. I managed to get through it. It was a blimp in an otherwise caring week but it did take me low. Appreciate your comments and hugs greatly and sending you back exactly the same. Love Deborah xox
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I can relate to this.
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