Sometimes when my hurts or wounds or PTS symptoms are triggered I am fairly aware of what is happening but sometimes when its subtle, such as a comment someone makes about how I am too intense or confrontational in issues that I raise, the triggered reaction is not always obvious and this happened to me yesterday when someone made a comment on my blog about how certain people would be turned off by my blog or not want to comment as issues I was raising were too intense or confrontational. When I first read the comment I felt my chest clench and then I felt anxiety and raciness. I wrote another post to try and address what was said I then headed out for lunch and my therapy appointment. By the time I got to therapy I could not breath, my stomach was churning and making strange sounds, my therapist just sat with me while I went through all the spasming and convulsing and when I shared the comment with her she said “No wonder you got so triggered, since that person was trying to imply you were too much, which is basically the message you have been given for most of your life!” Thank God for Katina. I was so grateful, I was feeling after reading the comment hurt but then that on some level it was true, no wonder everyone leaves me. I was crying and asking Katina if she was sure the person was mistaken. The answer was a categorical ‘Yes’. What do you think is going on with this person, I asked her. I don’t know, Kat said but he is dumping his stuff on you and it has nothing to do with you.
I can tell you its so hard to hold my boundary in the face of this kind of reaction from people. I am slowly learning to stand up for myself but as Kat said those barbs go into my body and they really started making me feel sick yesterday. I got my energy back during the session and then the discombobulation ended. But its got me very wary. I find most people who comment on here dont have a patronising attitude. There are really only two commenters who I think set them selves up as ‘experts’ on recovery, implying they have the answers, have done the process are now fully empowered and so could I be if only I didnt do this, but instead did this or that. I hope when I comment I never come across like this, as everyone has their own recovery and I have no right to judge how intense or confronting a person’s issues are and how can I really know unless I have walked a mile in their shoes. If we have abandonment wounds they can be triggered often and we are not ‘making it all up’ when we react from an intense space, to my mind the level of the intensity experienced speaks to me to the level of and depth of a wound and how much acceptance or rejection there has been experienced around it both within the person and at the hands of others. I am so grateful to Kat for the help yesterday to see what had happened and how my feelings and reactions made sense, am just glad it happened on a day before therapy so I didn’t have to hold that confusion deep inside. For those of us who have known pretty much consistent invalidation or lack of empathy getting realistic takes so much work and a lot of pain when old wounds are retriggered and we need the help of supportive others who will help us to make sure such hurt does not stay lodged inside from the other person’s ignorance, insensitivity or projection.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I hope you sent that awful comment to the spam! how dare anyone be so cruel and mean! I’m so sorry they were that way to you! glad kat helped! your blog is your blog your not too much at all! Always remember it ❤
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You can read it if you like. I hope I am not over reacting…. its a few posts back. Anyhow I said my piece and scrolling through my comments feed I see the person concerned has apologised. It was still very upsetting though. Bless you for your kind and loving support. ❤
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My total and unconditional apologies for my comment yesterday young lady. In hindsight, and after this post, I understand a little more of your journey and what it takes in courage to do so. I felt at the time that I was only making a generalisation of how others may feel towards your posts, but in truth these posts are a very deep part of who you are, and my comment was very uneducated, immature and especially because of my journey, very hurtful.
Again, I cannot apologise enough for the hurt that I caused and ask your forgiveness for my comment ❤
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Thank you for your apology but I still dont get why you said it and it has repercussions for me, so its best you know, Mark.
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And it may well be true, but if that is the case those readers will pass me by or just unfollow. I feel people appreciate me being honest and also standing up for those with trauma who are misunderstood or shamed for symptoms they dont really have any control over or are just reactions to abuse, neglect, trauma or other stress.
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Again, my apologies, I had no intent in my comment towards you in any way. My generalisation was for other people hesitating to handle the depth at which you spoke. Your words open many places and can be very confronting because they touch those things we fear, especially if it is something that we haven’t faced within ourselves. But having said that, and I should know better, that regardless of where we are at, what we are writing will always attract those that are in need of touching that depth, especially from the truth that you spoke.
Specifically, for myself, I am amazed at the depth that you have been able to understand because of what you have been through. To touch the nature of which you speak takes great heart and soul to face it, and even greater courage to speak it. In fact, having taken the journey you have, I can ‘feel’ something else within it…almost a prophetic gift in its nature.
Regardless, your ability to speak and write of the nature of your journey will help many who are on that path.
And again, my full apologies for anything that was hurtful in any way, it was nothing to do in any way in what you were actually expressing and writing.
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Thank you so much Mark. I sense the truth in your reply and I now see where you were coming from. I have travelled on this deep journey for a reason and I sometimes think that is being too arrogant to think my personal journey has a bigger reason or purpose but my astrology and experiences seem to tell me that is true. I hope always to stay realistic and humble. I very much appreciate your response. Take care and love ❤
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And thank you. Have a great day ❤
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