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Holding my own hand in the loneliness

I am glad I posted my recent post on loneliness.  What I noticed was how when I wrote it my lonelienss went away I wasnt sitting in the middle of it engaging in thoughts or stories I could run over and over as to why recently certain people havent called.  Truely its becuse they have lost loved ones too and often dont want to go near that pain and speaking to me may awaken it.  I forget too the times this week that a friend reached out to share her own struggles within her marriage.  I was not at all upset when this friend did not call on my birthday a few weeks ago as I trust our connection enough to know that when we relate it is strong and true and she lets me be real.  My experience with other friendships at times has sadly been that I have been judged for being real and at times sidelined.  Sure I expressed something intensely at those times but those who knew me knew I would only react intensely to something I felt passionate about and the truth is I am a passionate person.  I know I cannot force that passion on others at times as they do not live with that kind of intensity.  I also know when to let the fire of my passion die down for a time rather than over react to something that triggers me.  Its something I have had to learn the hard way in my life.

I find the lonelieness in me grows more when I do not listen to my own heart, to my anger, to my frustration, to my sadness.  I was taught to over ride these things by an emotionally invalidating mother who at times had to deny her own feelings and acted them out on us in toxic ways, never with deliberate intention but still causing scars.  So now, if at times, I carry a high charge over certain things its totally understandable if you know my history and only I can know that, others may judge me, but let them.  I know me and I know my own heart.  But that knowing has taken me a lot of years.  And learning not to discount it either as taken even longer.

Certain friends who sidelined me when I was struggling back in 2013 following my older sister’s sucide attempt then rushed in two years later when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I don’t know why I let them back in but I think partly I was still angry.  So what, now you think I might be dying you are going to be supportive?  Sorry but I need to get this out.  Really what I think is truer is that they did not have a clue how to relate to the intensity of what I was going through.  Fair enough.  But to stop inviting me to events and judge me fucking hurt.   That is owning how I really felt then under the veneer of being and making nice.  All this is for me to realise,though.  Most people cannot be there for me in that and I am lucky to have a therapist to understand it.  And I sense followers on here understand struggling as they do in similar ways.

Anyway writing my feelings out does help.  It helps me to look at how I am reacting and how realistic my reactions are.  I am a work in progress and developing emotional insight and intelligence takes time, but I am well on the road.  And I am coming to accept that a lot of people cannot engage or relate to me because of the light and charge I carry. That is perfectly understandable, but it doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong with either of us.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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28 thoughts on “Holding my own hand in the loneliness”

  4. This is SUCH a good perspective on how they weren’t there for you then they were and how each was a different scenario and the beginning when you were talking about how writing helps and how each person is going through their own stuff.
    But being real in saying it hurt to not be included. And why are they only there when they know how to relate.
    I’ve been feeling more alone than ever. I have hesitated to write about it but maybe I should. Maybe it will help.

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    1. Do write about it if you can Bethany. When we have felt really so alone in deep trauma or whatever else we are going through it can hurt so much. What hurts more is to be judged for just having a normal reaction but being told its not normal or makes you ‘difficult to be around’ when that is really about the other person’s ability to cope which is fair enough but why cant they say .. its hard for me to cope with it… anyway. I hope you do write about it. I know we cant expect others to always be there but surely a good friend will try when we are really in need and not shame us by telling us we are ‘too intense’ or ‘too sensitive’ or whatever.

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      1. I’m too something it seems. And then when I don’t accept rudeness or zero reciprocation then I am the bad guy. It’s very frustrating

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      5. Either someone doesn’t like my truth…would rather live in denial…whole family….or for my friends it was just easier when I could drive to meet them and now that I can’t they just all disappeared which made me realize that It was a one way friendship all along which really really hit me hard. Then someone treats me like shit and I finally say ya know, done with this. I’m going through my own life here and trying to hold it together and should not be treated like shit so i stand up for myself and now I somehow have issues then I get the whole mental illness thrown in my face or i need to go to therapy when in reality i am the only one dealing with my issues and have been in therapy. So easy for someone to throw that in my face since i have been so brutally honest on my blog and then act like i am the fucked up one when it is them. Who suck. I can admit when i have done wrong. But one thing i am not is a bad friend. I can be having the worst day and i will still go through everyone i love and text them and check in on each and every one of their problems i know they are having because i genuinely care. I never and i mean never ever get a text asking if i am ok except from one girl here i met through wordpress. Everyone else uses me as a dumping ground and doesnt give a shit the struggle that i have and how deep in a world of loss and loneliness i am. It is so so hard. So thank you for listening

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      6. It no consolation but I am confronting this exact issue at the moment in my own life. I have pretty much resolved I am alone in it and have to take care of myself but I am not in such a position as you who really needs practical help and support.

        I am so sorry you are so alone with this. If I lived nearer I could help. It also hurts when you are such a giving person. I can only say I hear you 100 percent and empathise. ❤

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      8. I feel so discardable. So easily discarded. I had a few really good friends. One divorced her husband and moved out of state. I have not heard from her since. I asked her husband. He said she wants nothing to do with anyone here. Ok. So she has her own shit. Fine. But then what were we? So for 9 years every single day we walked our dogs together. After my dogs died i walked with her alone dogless. She was great because she had a pool and my daughter could do PT in it and so could I. She wore no fragrances so no issues there. It was just safe. She was a safe person. But I guess I just wasn’t anything. 9 years. Nothing. So i question. Well. So what was I? Why am I so easily just walked away from? My muscle disease, do people think i am a burden so easy to just cut ties? Or do people generally just fucking suck and go the easy route for whatever they care about at the moment. See i will never know because i am not like that. I’ve never been like that.
        I don’t know. I just don’ know anything anymore. I don’t know how it feels for someone to be truly loyal to me unconditionally.

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      9. My heart goes out to you so much Bethany ….. It really really hurts when people you thought were genuine friends for life just discard you. And going through what you are going through is very very hard and you really need that loving support. I often question if the world is becoming a tougher harder place. If you are weak or injured or suffering then you are seen as less than or sidelined and really it should be the other way. I dont know what else to say but I am so glad you shared all of this with me. If you are ever having a really lonely tough day, please email, me I go on and off line as you can see for a few hours at a time but I will always try my best to respond to you. I hope your husband comes home soon. I feel your heartache. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. Just after the world changed a few friends would ask how I was. I would say fine. But one day a friend asked and I said what I was really like. They almost sprinted off as if I had the plague. After that they never asked again. I quickly realised that writing does consistently help.

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    1. Its heartbreaking isnt it? It helped me a lot and took a long time to learn that it was the other persons incapacity. But we still get sent to the wilderness after losses. But healing demands we express proxess and digest them..buried in the body and soul their wounds can become damaging. Big hugs to you. Thanks so much for your honesty,

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