Emptiness : Full birth

I am someone who looked for aid

And found instead only wilderness

A place filled with bodies with absent souls

With eyes that were opaque

Within which it was

Impossible to be seen

Eyes that threw back projections

Out of emptiness

Now I realise

Why I was so hungry

And so restless

And so lost

And so haunted

In summoning up illusions within the emptiness

I tried to provide a comfort

Which was unreal

And then in twisting about unconsciously

Within the agony of pretence

I bled doubt

In dark silent moments

As body fluid pooled in empty cavities inside me

But now I know the wilderness void

Was not me

But the empty world

In which is was impossible to find myself

A world too preoccupied to care at all

About the tender vulnerable needs of a small child

So full of life

Aching and bursting with that need

She learned to deny and disguise

So now

If

With this recognition

I feel as though I am about to explode

Is it any wonder?

To finally see

How I was failed

How much I struggled

And to realise that there was

Nothing intrinsically wrong with me

Is a difficult vision

But one that must be borne

If I am ever to bring myself

To a full birth