To be (there) or not?

My sister’s third son is very special to me and he is undergoing a huge ordeal at the moment.  He submitted to an operation to take part of his brain away that was impinging on his brain stem, the visit to us with his daughter led in time to the death of my Mum who was in a complete state when she heard he had decided to undergo this procedure. It was delayed after his daughter had a seizure on the day they were to go home and the day before he was due for the op that was then delayed until 31 January, the day of a Lunar Eclipse that feel on his dead Mum’s natal Pluto 11 degrees Leo.

He was okay initially, recovering as was supposed to but a few days ago he started to get a massive headache with swelling and now he is in a critical condition in a town a long way from my home town.  As everyone will imagine I feel so sad for him and so concerned.  I am not in a strong enough place myself really to go up there to visit him, as it would involve a few nights in a hotel and trips to the hospital.   I discussed it with my therapist yesterday and the conclusion we came to is that I would be best not to go, but today I woke up in the ocean and crying for him, as my heart so wants to be there.  Its such a dilemma.

Over the past 7 years of being back in the town I grew up in I must have been to the hospital at least 40 times to attend either my sister in psychiatric care, my Mum after operations or enduring complications or my other sister having procedures or being on the edge of death, oh and then in early December I was back at emergency seeing my grand niece being drugged and pinned down after enduring seizures.  As I looked at the transits in astrology the planet Mars was involved in every case and I see the generational Mars (movement, desires, will) involved in every single case and so with another eclipse due on Thursday I feel I am best to stay put and not let my feelings pull me where I can do nothing much to help and may be re traumatised.   Its not an easy decision and I bear in mind as I make the three ‘C’s of Al Anon,   I didn’t cause it and I cannot control it or cure it.  I can only send him love and prayers and hope to God he comes out of this without any permanent damage.  I am also going to use some of the guided imagery provided by Mark Wolynn in his book on multi generational trauma.  Good to share this so I can ground my thought processes and externalise them.