Being in a body ; reaching out to my sister

As an exceptionally airy person I know the struggle I have at times to stay in my body and be with my body.  I get attracted to ideas and thoughts and words. Anyone visiting my little house would see a place strewn with piles of books. books in the dining room where I sit at my battered old walnut table bought at a second hand shop looking out onto a view of the small road I live in, books in piles on my two sofas, books in piles on other bits of furniture, books, books, books,books on the floor, on shelves, by the bed!

Today I met my sister at our local fruit and veg market which has a number of delis and coffee shops.  What are you reading at the moment? she asked me.  Oh my God, you know at the moment I am in the middle of a novel and about 6 other books on different subjects some of which I have been sharing about in my blog.  I can get so busy with all of these books and then my blog or walking Jasper that I forget about my body and leave it behind but then when I stop it may come calling to me.

Except today I actually listened to my body which was asking me to connect with my sister and an old friend in recovery I had not spoken to for some months.  Both were beautiful encounters and you know what I realised?  As far as my sister is concerned I do not really know her well.  She has changed so much over the past 7 years. Before her so called ‘mental illness’ and many hospitalisations she was a harder person, perhaps more sure of herself but to a degree more defended.  Now around her I feel the most incredible softness but I also notice how much her body was shaking as she picked up her sandwich to eat and her coffee to drink.  I looked at her and felt so much love, and believe me in the past I found it hard to feel love for a sister who I so often felt I could not relate to.

Now my older sister and mother are dead, this relationship is so important to me.  I make an effort to keep in touch.  I made an extra effort today to meet her as I had already been out for a walk with Jasper and was a little tired as it has been a very hot day here, but I am so glad I did.

My sister revealed to me she has no memory of a lot of her childhood, I remember key things that were traumatic for her.  I also know the electro convulsive therapy she was subjected to over 3 years ago did a fair amount of damage and obliterated a lot of her memory.  Seeing her after it I would walk away weeping and feeling as though my heart was being torn from my chest.  How could they do this?  Why were they trying to convince her she was so ‘disordered’ when really she had just been through so much loss and change as well as having had a hysterectomy and hormonal difficulties as well as a result?  What about the fact her husband left her alone when she was in the middle of a depressive breakdown?  Prior to that she had been undergoing so much change and overworking in a new business she never chose after having moved over 600 miles from home.  Blurururufhg!!

Anyway I should stay calm. Things played out as the did.  She underwent a number of hospitalisations including an involuntary committment that she was tricked into by her older son who was worried.   He probably had cause but the fact of how it was handled was awful.

Today my sister shared with me the fact that she feels she contributed a significant amount to the breakdown of her marriage.   I was so impressed by this.  Such honesty and a willingness to take on board some responsibility and yet at the same time I thought of how little she actually did get in terms of support from a husband whose own family background was also riddled with alcoholism. I have such a soft spot in my heart for my brother in law, but he was a bit of a runnner like me when things got tough and close to the bone. That said I feel he did the very best he could at the time and is a good person at heart, as is my sister.

My sister no longer shames me for feeling and expressing myself as she used to.  These days we can really talk.  Today I was able to cry with her while sharing about my older sister’s abandonment, break down and suicide attempt back in 1982 when I was back at home living with Mum and Dad.  She held my hand. I was in my body when I was with my sister.  It felt good.  As we took our leave after an hour and a half we hugged and I was so glad that today I reached out to her.   I am so lucky we are both alive.

I came home to all my books but I also knew they were not as cuddly and warm as an afternoon lunch with my sister.  I sometimes wonder if reading for me, can be at times a form of dissociation.  I will always be a reader and I learn a lot through books, I got in trouble in my last relationship for reading too much and told at one point going forward was conditional on me giving up ‘all my books’.  Hopefully if I am lucky enough to meet another partner further down the road they may like to read too.   Is this why at times I judge myself for ‘reading too much?”