The first birthday without my Mum has been tough. I cannot lie. I managed to turn up for it, despite great resistance and the feeling all I wanted to do was sit quietly in a place I could feel my heart and not keep bursting into tears. But then the love coming from others just opened the door to my heart which seems to be full of water at the moment, not much in the way of words, just feeling….it just feels tender, sore and very raw.
I was grateful to a friend who called a short time ago and reminded me how raw it would be with my Mum only being gone for less than two months. Not only that she died three weeks before the annivesary of my Dad’s death back in 1985. I know that may seem like so long long ago to my followers but after that death I travelled overseas alone and really had no place to express my confusion and sorrow. I remember then the friend who just called me turned up at the airport to say goodbye and that, too, is such a tender memory.
I didn’t return home for nearly 3 years and during the time away I went through a lot more heartache, some of it perhaps generated by my terror at getting close and trusting again. I know my behaviour confused ex partners as I never spoke of the traumas I had gone through up until then, which included witnessing my older sister trying to take her life and then having psychotic episodes
When I moved away again to another town only a few months after returning to Australia my addiction was running rampant. I was saying to my friend today it is almost as if I blocked the awareness of love coming to me from others and could not trust it was there. I am also wondering if I blocked the love I was willing to express and to give to others, almost if I pulled back then I could not risk being hurt again.
I am beginning to realise that my heart carried big wounds and they can get triggered in the present…. then things seem overwhelming which really are not its just all the past pain associated which is not fully conscious that is affecting me. I feel like I cannot breathe and then there is a wave of emotion that gets triggered. But I am also questioning whether or not I don’t also pick up emotions from others in the ether as an empath as I cannot after time in company wait to get home to a safe silent space to be alone almost as if I stay in a crowd for too long I fear being engulfed or drowned or that I will cease to exist in some way.
Then to add confusion to all of this today I was reading about the Buddhist concept of there being no self, not that we dont have a self inside but that in many ways it is a construct of all kinds of ideas and stories we have made up about ourselves, others and what has happened in the past to us which we then project on to current situations in the present which can act to block us off and keep us separate when really we are not (and I know this contradicts an earlier post I reblogged yesterday on being able to maintain a separate self with others.)
I am sure there must be a lot of others out there who struggle in this way. If you do I would be really interested to hear of your experiences with this kind of thing in your own life. How do you struggle to connect? Do you often feel overwhelmed or fear others and getting close? All comments are welcome on my site no matter how ‘negative’ you feel they may be.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I’m not surprised it feels to raw and painful, I think you’re being rather hard on yourself to expect yourself to feel any different. I don’t know how I’d cope if (or rather, when) my mum were to pass. I know I can’t say anything to make it any easier, but I just wanted to let you know that how you feel, and the difficulty with connecting, aren’t strange at all and you’re not alone in those things. I lost a lot of connections, friends, colleagues, everyone really aside from my parents during the last few years with illness. I’ve become far more independent but also quite isolated and not wanting to share or trust. Thinking of connecting with others now is more than a scary prospect (but I’m living in ignorance and thinking I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!) Sending a hug your way…
Caz xx
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Thank you so much Caz. I do think when we go through great loss and sorrow or an illness we get set apart. It can be harder for others to relate to us in that space and it can feel very very lonely at times when empathy is not forthcoming. I am probably hard on myself. I am seeing I dont comfort myself in good ways but push myself which is a bit of a modern cultral bias these days. There are a whole lot of people out there pushing themselves when they really could do with support and rest but feel they cant but then often we get ill as the body tells us its all too much, the way we are living.
Thanks for your honest reply and giving me a reality check. I really value your comments and presence here. Much love to you Deborah x
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I find that I am overtly critical of others. I tend to set standards that are unrealistic, and I will admit this.
Peace and best wishes to you.
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Thanks so much for that insight. I am hard on myself and am seeing I also have expectations of others that are not realistic and may also be allow for the ways they struggle too with very real human limitations. That comment is very helpful. Love and all good wishes to you xo
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Yes I can relate and yes faith often contradicts itself because true love is neither all good or all bad. I’ve struggled to connect most of my life having developed distrust of people from a young age, but also loving others, wanting to be part of life, have a voice and join the fun. Learning about boundaries helped. Studying the lives of Jesus and Buddha helps. Accepting there is no single right way helps. It’s a lifelong balancing act we navigate one step at a time. Wobbling is allowed 😉
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That is a beautiful reply, E. I think the key things you said were recognising that true love is neither all good nor all bad. At times we get pissed off by people we love but that doesnt mean we stop loving them and I see that that is something I have struggled with thinking any dispute or disagreement means everything will be over, Its extreme thinking really. I love the idea too that we can wobble and we dont get it right neither do others but as long as love is there we can let each other be human. Bless you for such a great comment, much appreciated. Deborah x
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❤️❤️❤️
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i love this post so much, and i relate to this pain so vividly. so grateful you could articulate this. keep on keeping on, dear.
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Thanks Birdy this comment slipped through my net until now all these months later. Much love to you, Deborah ❤
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
A very honest post from 4vyears ago where I was struggling to understand my need as an introvert and empath for quiet time as well as my fears around connection.l and intimacy.
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