Too sensitive?

At times being open to feelings and empathic can be so hard, I find this most especially when someone I love is in pain or going through an ordeal, when I speak to them I get flooded with all the feelings and find myself in a very different space to how I was before contact.  I feel my energy going out towards them and at times it can meet a brick wall and at other times I experience it hitting the other person’s ego filter.  Then it bounces back and I feel a little lost to be honest.

My nephew finally had the surgery to removed pressure from the base of his skull from part of his brain that was impinging on it yesterday.  To do this surgery they had to pull out the neck muscles and cut through them (at this point I feel my entire stomach contract and get a cold rush of energy though my mind).  I just spoke to him about an hour ago and toward the end of the call found myself becoming very emotional.  I know of the pressure he goes through due to the pain of his traumatic childhood and critical events surrounding my older sister’s mental illness and cerebral bleed.  At the age of 5 his father sent his mother away and he never saw her again but he had been subject to terrorising experiences at her hands which I only found out about after she died just over 4 years ago.  All of this goes through my mind as well.   When I got off the phone my energy was all over the place.  He is hoping I will go up to visit them soon but I am very wary at the moment being in a rather vulnerable space following my mother’s death.  It came on the back of another trauma involving his daughter (who is the age he was when my sister was sent away) and the siezure she had in the final hours of her visit with him in early December.  Two days later my Mum fell due to the stress and a week later she was dead. I looked into the astrology and at that time major transits to my dead sister’s chart and the cerebral haemorraghe chart were being triggered and the aftermath has been painful.   Doctors have found no organic reason so far why my grand niece had the siezure.  I have my own thoughts as I witnessed certain things toward the last part of the visit which showed she wanted to be out of the energy field of our family and back home with her Mum.  What actually ended up happening was a visit to emergency where she was drugged and held down and then a helicopter flight to Sydney and a week long stay in hospital there.

It was such a stressful time as long time followers of my blog will be aware.  I ended up spending four hours in casualty with my nephew and the following day my PTSD symptoms were back in the extreme range.   So now I am very wary of spending time outside of a space where my energy is protected.  I am so sensitive myself the last thing I need at the moment is any more stress.  But it is so hard because at the same time I feel the tug of love and heart energy going out towards my nephew, problem is I see him still drinking as my sister used to and it was not healthy for me then to be around her in that state, encouraging me at the age of 13 to be drinking half a bottle of sherry each night before dinner.

I just dont want to go anywhere.  It is a very long (3 day drive) up there anyway.   Anyways I am writing this out this afternoon just to get it all of my chest more for my benefit than for benefit of my followers.   I am in the thick of trying to adust to this new denture which I cannot bear to wear today as it is hurting my teeth.  At this stage I dont even feel like any outings to celebrate my birthday as eating food is not as easy as it was.  Today I have my old denture back in place but this morning a lot of anger was retrigged and I havent felt that angry for quite some time now.  Apart from last week when I had a bit of a email clash with an emotionally unavailable relative.

I know when I am feeling tender how important it is to take care of myself.   Writing is also just so I can externalise some of the inner mental convolutions.   My heart may sometimes be pulled in a direction it may not be best for my body to go or???  Its tough.  Sometimes being open and sensitive feels like a curse and seems to make life harder to just flow with.  Can I just let it all flow through and swirl around without judging too much or putting up mental barriers or might some mental barriers actually self protective and a good thing?  Questions questions questions.  Time maybe just to centre breathe and be.