Crystal Clear

Its becoming clearer and clearer to me who really has my back since my Mum died.  I am also seeing clearly how people run from deep grief and will do anything to avoid it and you when you are suffering.  I have noticed since Mum died the promises made to reach out and connect that never materialise and I am now fucking over talk.  Love is a verb not a noun thank you very much.  If you love me, you will show me with your presence, its clear as crystal.

I know people get busy but what the fuck when we are grieving we need connection.  We need the kindly hand reached out to us by others to help us know we are not alone. That said maybe at times we may have to face and understand that others dont cope well with expressing sadness and feel shy so they may still care and not take action but to my mind those people lack a full heart and courage.   I am not judging as I know it can be tough I am trying instead to be discerning on this path I am travelling and I remember a while back a good long time sober friend said to me “i really dont want to spend time in places and with people where I dont get seen.”  Is that narcissistic?  (another part of me asks) but surely a time comes when we just know we are ‘good enough’ and not better than and we then take action to mostly surround ourselves with those who show us some level of care and sensitivity to our feelings.

I am also aware at the moment of how deep my one surviving sister’s suffering goes.   I know she can be a bit of a perfectionist at times and she finds it hard to let down her guard with others and be as open as me but she is a double Pisces not a seven planet airy Aquarian like me. And with Saturn in Scorpio trine both Sun (self) and Venus (sense of self value and relationship) she hides her tender more vulnerable feelings behind that facade.  I just wish at the moment she could get out from under it as on the weekend I would have given anything to have a call from her.  I just had a call from the caretaker in the building my Mum lived for the final 28 years of her life and he was like a surrogate son to her, he was asking about my sister and saying how he missed my Mum.  I didnt want to bother you he said after the funeral while you were tied up with family.  What family? I asked.  In four weeks I have had 2 telephone calls, one from a friend and two emails from another friend.   He was fairly surpised and very concerned for my sister as I told him what she had gone through at the hand of family when she was struggling with her own feelings of grief, loss and anger in past years.  She endured a horrific dose of shock treatment and has had so many hospitalisations and so few cuddles.  I see the truth all more clearly now.

Anyways I know I have to be here for myself but no man or woman is an island and in our hyper connected world of late, how much more disconnected are we emotionally when everything is about image and not feelings, externals not internals?  To me its become crystal clear why so many of us feel like we no longer want to be here at this time.  But we must be strong and keep connecting from a deeper place, surely.  Its the most important ability we have as humans, to embrace and know our suffering and learn to reach out in full honesty from that place.