I keep thinking about my sister this afternoon. I cant make any phone calls so I cannot reach out as I have been doing knowing she is struggling after the loss of my Mum. I heard from her on Friday as I let her know via Facebook messenger about my phone (thank God for that one aspect of FB which enables me to be in touch). I keep thinking of how she is very isolated, with no family and not reaching out. I feel so sad about it. I think a great deal about the isolation theme in my family as it has carried across generations. My older sister died in a care home, hardly ever seeing her family. When I tried to bring it up with one family in law they ended up cutting off communication with me and that has really hurt. Admittedly my sister could be a bit difficult at times but she was severely disabled in the end. I try now not to think too much about it. I loved her and she had a very sad and tragic life never fully fulfilling her potential which was significant, cut down in her prime by the cerebral bleed and following repercussions.
This is past pain I am powerless over. I get my own stuckness and emotional or vital ‘paralysis’ at times. I remember the saying from 12 step rooms “analysis paralysis” staying stuck in my head doesnt take me to any place good and I was sharing about this in an earlier post. I need to get out and circulate and then I am very happy to come back home and just chill with my dog Jasper, writing, reading or exploring things in my mind but not getting trapped in all the past stuff that I have absolutely no power over.
That said what I was heading up in this blog was the idea that there was something wrong with my older sister for struggling when I really struggle too and I have observed in the past few weeks there is a tendency to make her wrong and myself right. I do therapy and talk about my issues, she struggles on and keeps it all to herself, but that doesnt make me any of a better person at all, we have both known sufferings of different kinds. Its something I just felt the need to write about. I long for a call from my sis but I doubt I will hear from her. I think I need to message a friend or someone this afternoon so I can talk to someone having phone contact cut is hard. I like to be in touch. Its part of what makes me a very strong air sign person (heaps of planets in Aquarius). If my air cant circulate I start to feel trapped and need to just be in touch. Then I need my quiet time. Its just the way I am made.
Oh and thanks to those who have been in touch with me today via my blog when you heard I was really struggling again. Today you lightened and brightened my days in ways you will perhaps never realise. I thank God for you. ❤
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I’m an air sign too. 🙂 I relate. I miss contact with others. I tried to stay off FB, was recommended to stop writing on my blog by my therapist, but I need the social contact (on FB) and the support (on WP). I don’t have much contact with others irl except my roommate and really nothing in the way of emotional support irl.
I’m sorry your sister is so distant, particularly at this time.
It’s nice that you have some unconditional love. Dogs are so great for that. Love your dogs name too.
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Thanks so much I just totally broke down in tears while making dinner and you know how beautiful they are, he just came and sat near me and looked at me with such love with those huge limpid eyes.
I think Facebook is okay if you just recognise its limits and we need to have some kind of contact with people we feel a connection to or empathy and understanding with and WordPress really supplies it. I honestly dont know where I would be without it. Its interesting your therapist said that. Any idea what her concern or take on it was?
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My eyes welled up when I read what your dog did. What a sweetie.
As for staying off my blog: My therapist recommended it when I asked her opinion after having gone through a bunch of things I’d written/transferred about my family during the time my father was dying. That was the time they really abused me.
I transferred a lot of pages in one day and it opened up the wound to the point I was feeling like that dog that’s just been hit by a car. (Raw and wanting to attack everyone who came near me…road rage, etc.) So I, myself was feeling like staying away from blogging was a good idea…for the time being…until I got through DBT and got to the point where I could regulate my emotions a bit more skillfully.
But after some time, of course the wound healed over a bit and I missed my WP friends. I have stayed away from the journals in the drawer too. And although I intend to go back to them, I will not be transferring them in big batches.
Her recommendation came from a good place. I feel that I need to know my limits with what I post and how much at a time as well as what and how much I read also.
Otherwise it can really get inside and rip me apart. Nothing wrong with feeling the emotions I need to feel and work through, but only so much at a time will really be helpful.
I agree with you about FB completely. I would not share there what I share here. In fact I don’t even talk about my blog on FB.
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I understand so deeply that it was necessary for you do to all of that. Sometimes when we have nowhere to go with everything we can only journal and then to post it is all a bit too much, so your therapist was so right.
The pain of the wound goes so deep, doesnt it and we do get injured in the instinctive animal part of us as well as our heart and body and being.
You are doing so well. Its all a growth process.
Thanks for being so genuine with what you wrote about Jasper. My heart just bursts when he looks at me that way. I am sure you understand.
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Thank you for your understanding. And yes, I also understand about Jasper. I’ve had a couple dogs of my own as well as having done some dog walking where I had the chance to bond with the dogs.
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And we only learn about healthy boundaries with time as we get mixed up about how much is enough or not enough, if that makes sense? Its all a work in progress.
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Yes! Makes perfect sense.
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