I had a really bad night last night. I dont know what got triggered over the past days but it was deep as I found myself back in that place where my digestion was really playing up and I was awake for hours at 1 am after trying to get to bed early. It was a real bummer as I had felt I was doing really well over the past week or so but what I did realise was that this week a lot of contact with others has fallen away and on the 4th the tel company that provides the mobile service for the phone I borrowed from my Mum after losing my own phone decided to disconnect or ‘suspend’ the service ‘temporarily’. Since the service is not signed to me and I dont have any passwords its been not possible to make any calls, only to receive them and I dont know why they have done it as there is no money outstanding on the account. At the moment I just feel as though I am being punished by the universe (don’t ask me why I have that thought but I do have it often…. its either I am to blame or the universe is in some way) In addition my own tel company for some reason failed to send the sim card I requested on the 15th of December, it being Christmas I didnt follow it up thinking the post was delayed. GGGrrrr. Also today we have 38 degree temps which means its not easy to walk Jasper after 9 am which was the time I was ready to do it.
Then my Mum’s death and the circumstances around it were playing over and over and over in my mind all night and I ended up back in that “I’m bad and its all my fault this happened place” which is just not good and something my therapist and I are trying to address in sessions but then I ended up even having the delayed peeves about the way she kept me holding on with no contact over that painful time of my Mum’s death and then excusing it and seeing parrallels between the way I try to take distance from my sister, but the truth is it was my sister being in a negative downward spiral that led me to getting so discombobulated that I lost my phone on the 14th. Anyway ENOUGH!!!!
As you can see I have been in bad head space or just making realisations… God knows which but I know I need to get out and connect a bit more with life but so much just seems so crazy out there in the world at the moment.
On that subject I watched a great programe on the War on Waste the other night here in Oz where they visited banana growers in far North Queensland and exposed the sad fact that over 8 million bananas go into waste and land fill each year because they fail to meet the right size specifications of the Australian supermarkets. The presenter Craig someone or other whose last name doesnt come to mind at the moment went out to interview people about who sets those specifications in the first place, turns out its not the majority of the buying public who are happy to eat bananas of any shape or size????
He then did an exercise of unpacking the garbage bins of a street of people to see what was being thrown out. Turns out we dump so much uneaten food and its that which when buried in plastic in landfill sends out methane and other toxic gasses into the environment more destructive that fossil fuels alone. So now I am a bit horrified by all of that.
Still if I focus on all of this it will do my head in. It may be hard to set foot outside my front door Which sets up the inner conflict of how much we worry about hard truths and how much we work to try to change them. I am just one small person living alone with my dog so I cant affect the consumption patterns or behaviours of others much as I would like to. I just have to find a way to live peacefully and happily on any day (when not feeling natural sadness or regret about the way certain things have turned out). So how much do I choose to focus on? Its a tough question and one I am just going to put out there. Which leads me to my final subject today… poetry…. ????
Listened to a lovely writers programme with a major US poet whose name I also cannot remember today (early onset Azheimers 🙂 ) and what was discussed is how poets now can and do address these kind of complex issues in their writing and also how poetry is about asking questions about issues of environmental, political and emotional concern. So if anyone can come up with a good poem on the waste issue and how we can address it .. it would be great to read it.
I wish all followers a happy Sunday or at least a restful and nourishing one and if you feel sad or sick today a big hug…. 🙂 I know I could most certainly use one.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I’m offering up long distance hugs, as it’s all I can offer, atm. I’m sorry that you’ve been having a rough go of things, too. The phone stuff sounds quite frustrating. And your grief is understandably still raw. I think this includes the confusing feelings surrounding your therapist and that time.
I get the “I’m bad” message. That one is tough to break. It’s so much easier to accept blame for things because then it means we have control. In accepting that things aren’t always our fault we have to admit that we don’t really have as much power as we think we do, and that can be scary. I think it goes along well, actually, with the point you make regarding your ecological impact. We are only a single footprint.
A lot of it is about perspective though. As an English major, I was always floored by how easy it was to find evidence that supported whatever perspective I wanted to take. I try to remember that in life (Though most times I’m not successful). Perspective is never absolute truth.
For the record, last names are just difficult. 😜
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Thanks for pointing out the issue of control as that was pointed out to me a few weeks ago.
I totally agree on the perspective issue and its what I feel went awry yesterday I started focusing on the negative and so my symptoms got bad again and yes, perspective is just a point of view or way of looking. 🙂
Its a tough issue seeing ourselves as ‘bad’ and the source of ‘bad’ things occuring.
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The control thing is something I have personally been grappling with a lot lately, so it was my most readily available connection.
Perspective is a tricky beast. We can know that it’s malleable and yet… It doesnt take away any of the sting or the trueness of it in our own hearts. The challenge, I guess, is just honoring that, whatever it may be.
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Yes really good point…. the sting is there and its real and we can make the head based perspectual (is that a word even?) reorientations towards it deciding what to ‘make of it’ but the truth sits there in our body and cells. I guess in the end its how we respond to that that determines everything.
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It is a word if you say it is a word. Shakespeare made words up all the time and then they became regular parts of the English language. If It’s a good enough means of language acquisition for Shakespeare then it is good enough for me! (And, wow, my English teacher is showing lol).
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Love it.. thank you sweetie ❤
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A big hug right back at you!
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Thank you Ashleyleia ❤
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I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Sending love, light and hugs. ❤
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Thanks so much. I took myself out for some sushi and to the library and that brightened my mood a little. I get worse when I get stuck in my head. That said your thoughts and wishes really made my afternoon. Hugs in return ❤
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You’re welcome ❤
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❤ it meant the world to me
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❤
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The never ending cycle of things going around in your head at night is an absolute nightmare, I can empathise with that much. But you have so much on your mind, and so many things that you’re working through that it’s not surprising. I love that among all the emotional upheaval and exhaustion you manage to use the word “discombobulated”, I love that word, definitely not used enough! Hahah. The environmental issues are something that’s certainly getting more press of late, and it’s an interesting segue into the world of poetry. Just wanted to send a big hug your way my lovely xxxx
Caz 🙂
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Thank you so much beautiful Caz. These words mean a lot to me. I love the word discombobulated I use it all the time. Knowing you understand means a lot but then I am only one of many who go through this. Hug and love back to you too, lovely. ❤
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Sending you a hug. ❤ 🙂
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Thank you Rayne.
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