Reflections on my natural self

I often wonder about my natural self, that part of me that is just me and does not need to nor want to adapt to someone else’s vision, ideal, projection or idea of who I am.  I wrote a post on home and the true self yesterday but for some strange reason I ended up taking it down.   Lately I feel myself moving into my natural real self more and more, I am also aware of the sad and damaged and wounded self that went though so much in my life in terms of traumatic reactions to being abandoned emotionally  and I grieve for myself.  That was partly what I wrote about in the post I took down yesterday and am going to repost today.

I got triggered this weekend by going to get my hair cut.  The place I go to was my Mum’s hairdresser too.  When I come out I just want to mess my hair up to make it natural and wavey and not all straight and styled as they do it at the salon.  I came home thinking that on some level the self I went in as and came out as was not the same self.  I know on one level that is ridiculous as I did not change.  I do have genuine authentic convesations with the guy who cuts my hair who is very real and genuine and I like him a lot but for some reason getting my hair ‘styled’ really triggers me.

When I was young I had beautiful long hair down to my waist.  One of the most traumatic incidents I remember from my childhood was getting it all cut off at about age 5 or 6.   I used to like having my hair washed by Mum as it was one of the few times we were physically close.  I always sensed she would rather my hair be short as it was more manageable when it wasnt really what I wanted.  This may seem like a superficial thing but I cant help but think of the story of Samson who when he gets his hair cut looses his power in some way.

I think that also a lot of my sadness over the loss of Mum was triggered yesterday and today.  Due to the fact I lost my phone I could not receive text reminders of when my appointment was and I had not outgoing connection to check when it was either so I turned up yesterday on what I thought was the right day, only to find I had it wrong.  They were so sweet about it and gave me an appointment today, never the less that appointment put me into a very sad place when I walked away from the salon.  I began to feel a huge empty hole open up inside me that I have not felt for a very long time.  I was feeling my sister’s disconnection and sadness too after speaking to her yesterday and I was glad to get home so I could just relax with myself and be in my own energy field.

Today I have been thinking about the self that gets lost when we don’t get to really be met or live as who we really are authentically, when parts of us get negated or buried, then its a real quest to find and birth them again, we may not be fully aware of what we have lost, and that the true root of our loneliness and emptiness is the sense of self abandonment which Jeff Foster speaks of in the video I posted a link to last night, we just feel that ache of emptiness like a hole.  We have to work hard then to seek ways to pull the love out from deep inside of us as well as finding a way to sit in true presence with our feelings of emptiness in order to explore them without diverting or resisting the emptiness.  Often its only out of feeling and making a dialogue with the emptiness and exploring the reasons for its presence that we come to be real to ourselves once again.

Its hard to find words for this process but its a deep one.  We know on some level when we are lost or feeling homeless that is when we have to work to find ourselves again and bring ourselves home by nurturing what we need to connect to and grow individually and feel centred as a self connected deeply inside, for only this feeling has the capacity to stop the ache of a heart that has lost connection with the soul of it, which is its true home.