Letting go and living my life

I am at a very interesting stage in my life now.  With my mother gone I am now an orphan, as I lost my Dad when I was 23.  Its interesting that a few months before Mum died I came across a book that I quoted from in depth on my blog around September/October called The Soul In Grief, as in that book the author, Robert Romanyshyn addressed two central archetypes or energies of the soul which emerge from a pivotal loss, that of the Orphan and of the Angel.  It was my experience when dealing with past grief that when I fully felt and embraced my orphan state following the end of my marriage in 2004 which brought up not only all the unresolved or unfelt loss around my father but of several significant love relationships as well as the illness and abandonment of my older sister who was like a surrogate Mum, I also found an angel like energy within that offered the possibility of some kind of redemption..

Now I am back in that Orphan state but I no longer experience those deep, deep and deeply unbearable feelings of emptiness that I did in 2004.  They probably came from childhood and over the past 13 years I have been working to feel and address them both in therapy and in my own recovery path of grief, anger, rage and joy.   At the earlier time, as I have shared before in other posts, an Angel or Cosmic mother energy did step in.  I received messages from this source of love at the same time as I was beseiged by an inner destructor which was probably an introject of all the critical, self negating, shaming voices of my childhood absorbed not just from family but from the Nuns too as well as the wider culture.  Those voices wanted me dead, often appeared in the guise of a Grim Reaper figure barring my way,  then in 2007 I met someone who personified that voice for me and the battle for my authentic self was really on.

I got out of that relationship at the beginning of 2011 and that freed me to be alone and pursue full time therapy but I was also psychically enmeshed with both my Mum and two living sisters, one in the care home who I felt I could not abandon then, as my Mum was the solitary family figure giving her any support.  Its interesting now that my older sister is dead that my living sister is suffering in similar ways.  She has never had long term psychodynamic therapy only drugs and shock treatment and exercise, in short little in the way of emotional recovery.   I see her struggling so much now and want to help but I also know I will not sacrifice my life for her.  If she is drowning I can only help to an extent and its such a tough lesson.   In the end as much as others help us, it is us who must be the active ones in seeking that help and taking those steps forward, it is part of the path of growth to psychological maturity that we do this and I know its not easy.  But then separation is not.

My mother died 3 weeks ago now and I have called my sister nearly every day except for two.  I on two days left a gap.  She did actually called me on New Year’s Day but the conversation was so stilted and I felt like I was drowning during it, which my therapist understood.  I wondered if that was a sign I too was struggling with the feelings as I started cryign 2 thirds of the way into a 40 minute conversation.  She wont have any contact with her son or grandchildren physically although they asked her to go to the coast with them and that made me so sad, as I feel for them and my nephew too at the moment.  Their father abandoned my sister when she was not well emotionally or mentally after 30 years of marriage.  I have been dreaming of them both over the past two nights.  My sister is now a shadow of the person she was when they were married.  I know it has hit her so hard and she has been disempowered in her recovery not really empowered, I just hear it in her voice.

I made the decision today not to call.  She needs to step up.  But I keep wondering if this is cruel, just because I am coping okay is it okay to feel I just want some love and light in my life, am I in rejecting her, rejecting my own grief?  I dont think so as I am crying when I need to and I know I grieved not only the loss of my mum but her emotional absence during my own childhood for much of the last 10 years of her life.  Now I feel its my time to live, to come alive.  To be present.  There is so much life I have not lived due to the trauma history of my life which started when I was young but was extreme when I nearly lost my life in 1979 at the tender age of 17.   There have been multiple traumas, enough to cripple anyone.  I have endured them and I will not drown now. I dont believe it is what my Higher Power wants.   I feel on some level I need to let go and I know I can do it with love.  I will be there is asked but only to the limit of what I can give.  For I cannot lose my life to save another persons, can I?  I am, as you can see, stumbling to know how to share and support in this time of grief.

Outside perspectives strongly appreciated.  🙂