I wonder a lot why its so hard to for us to love in this world, why it is most of all so hard to be kind and loving to ourselves. If it is true that the opposite of love is fear and if a lot of our anxiety is about fear then doesn’t the widespread prevalence of anxiety these days say something about what we are about as a culture and how wounded our cultural bias really is at times? Geared more towards feelings of lack and deprivation and not enoughness so often than towards feelings of abundance, faith, trust and enoughness?
There is a powerful quote by the spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson which really speaks to me. She said : Love is what we came here with, Fear is what we learned here. Much of what she has written in many of her books based on The Course in Miracles concerns this dichotomy within us between love and fear.
I went to another AA meeting last night. I know one of the central tenants of AA is that we are supposed to preserve our anonymity at the level of press, books and film. I dont necessarily agree with this totally. I would never bust another person’s anonymity but when it come to my own I would rather be open about it. As so many of you know I struggled with addiction for over 17 years and may still not be totally free of it as I still cannot give up my late morning coffee (is that an addiction or just a guilty pleasure, I so often ask myself?)
Anyway fear was discussed in a lot of the sharing last night. As recovering addicts we have to explore in our recovery the many ways self centred fear may have dominated our lives, many of us felt fearful, insecure and not good enough to measure up as small children and so when as young teens or adults we first came across alcohol or drugs many of us had what we thought was a spiritual awakening, as we felt the rush of the drug entering our systems often our fears left us miraculously, but the sad thing is that they later would return to dog us worse than before.
When we get into recovery and decide we will not only work for that but for emotional sobriety as well then we have committed to examine the role fear has played in our lives. Self centred fear is spoken about a lot. Many of us learned all about it growing up. For myself I know what a large part fear has played in my own life in both addiction and recovery. I could imagine the fear voices as an inner devil that can sit on my shoulder or ride my back most days with its hiddden agenda of never rest, relax, surrender to the moment or trust in anything.
Now that my Mum has died and I see what led to that death being accelerated I see the part fear was playing and today I just broke down and cried. Mum had a lot of fears, she feared overburdening my sister and I so she didnt ask for help with her shopping on the day she fell from doing too much. I could go on and on about the many ways fear affected all of us in our family, but I am sane enough to know that fear is something I will never fully erradicate in my own life.
The best I can hope for is to become more conscious of how and when its driving me, fear of not getting enough, fear of being abandoned or hurt, fear of being alone, so many fears. Today the only way I can answer fear and respond to it is with love and open hearted compassion. I am human so I often feel fear but I can also make a choice to place some trust in something larger than fear if only for a moment. And even if that awareness wont fully erradicate my fear perhaps it may make me just a little bit less reactive from that place. I most certainly hope so.
As for love, well we can all do with more of it. As Jesus said Perfect love casteth out fear, but who amongst us is perfect? We say in AA that we strive for progress rather than perfection, so many of us were perfectionists due to feeling not good enough in any way, now we try to be more balanced, we recognise our very human limits and try on any day to turn ourselves over to the principle of love rather than that of fear making baby steps along the way. And when we make the choice to love then we are also saying yes to living as fully as we can as the opening quote by John Lennon reminds us.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Agreed! I think the only way to work through fear is by reacting in compassion. But sometimes fear is so overwhelming so I totally hear you out on your struggles. Thanks again for you sharing your insight. May your day be filled with peace!!
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Thank you, lovely. It was a peaceful day in the end. Love to you D x
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I love this! We must’ve been in a similar place today. This especially stood out for me: The best I can hope for is to become more conscious of how and when its driving me, fear of not getting enough, fear of being abandoned or hurt, fear of being alone, so many fears. Today the only way I can answer fear and respond to it is with love and open hearted compassion.- got to love ourselves through the fear and not expect perfection. We’re doing our best, right? When did your mum pass? Death was a catalyst for my next healing steps this year. It’s such hard work but every day doing my best to live from love instead of fear. ❤️
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Hey E she died this year on 12 December. It was a very sad ending… so much went down in the weeks before it happened as the result of the fall I mentioned. I agree that death is such a profound catalyst. Death and fear are so closely related dont you think? A post I read of yours yesterday also made me contemplate this fear issue more deeply, so thank you. ❤
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Such a fresh wound. I’m so sorry. From your recent posts it sounds as if you’re more than equipped to navigate this loss though I’m guessing we’re never prepared for the loss of a parent. My grandmother passed in February and it’s turned our family upside down…ultimately I choose to see the good, as you do. Keep writing. Death and fear are closely linked but not nearly as powerful as life, love and truth. ❤️
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So, so true E……. I think I am helped in this process as I cried and grieved a lot with my Mum in years before she passed. I truely feel ours was a deep spiritual bond despite any difficulties we shared. Deep love was there and that goes on, ,at least I feel it does. I am sorry you lost your grandmother, these losses can change all relationships and the inter relations in families so much.
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I have a paralyzing fear of living. That’s the best way to describe. I’m trying to find ways to overcome it but it has been hard. I wish you can conquer your fears and keep working on your recovery. Best of luck. xx
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Can you find any sense of a power larger than you to help you in some way? I know its not easy. Some of us find it in nature. A place where we can go where fear is lessened. That said I know this kind of fear you are dealing with is not easy. I wish you love in your life and freedom too. Thanks for sharing with me. xox
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I don’t know, if I have to think about that. Thank you for your kind words. xx
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Hugs. Fear is difficult. ❤
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Hugs 🙂
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I just read a wonderful chapter in a book on fear which said that basically fear is not always wrong or bad, sometimes its a reminder we may be unsafe or were in the past. So dont beat yourself up if you are feeling fear. Just wanted to say that to you today. ❤
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Makes sense! Thank you. Happy new year!
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Feeling this on many levels tonight. Fear is such a set back in the forward movement of where we should be going. I feel like overcoming this has been and will continue to be a challenge for myself. Love is the only reason I don’t go sour and become bitter. I have it all around me and know I should continuously put it out into the world, even if it’s not for the one I’m meant to be with long term. Thank you for this incredible reflection!
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Thank you so much Elyna Marie. Its not always easy to give that love. Sometimes, too. We most need to give it to ourselves. ❤
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Okay thank you…..just let me know what is involved. Deborah
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
A reblog for new followers since December and this one seems timely for me to revisit. Fear drives so much human drama on our planet. We need skills of mindfulness to deal with it.
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“Without risks there is defying moments to cherished” E.O.S
“Fear is the drive for you to keep going many are not willing to endured the Storm to find the sun embracing their face on the other side”
There is so much I have been through and despite it all I did not let the erosion around me try to ripped me and thrashed me into nothing!
I fought for my life and given what I was thrashed into filthy Hell I will never let others have a say or dictate my destiny.
So what I’m saying is many that have endured and been subjected to my shoes never get their story heard or even told just shattered memories.
“The Raw truth is Life can take anything away from ripped into a never was or it can be resurrection and liberation to finding yourself Raw self again ” E.O.S
You want something bad enough then you need to willing to wager All or Nothing you may falter or you may rise but guaranteed you will learn and adapt.
Slainte
Alex
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Yes, most things are a challenge until the time comes when the soul gives out and its time to go home.
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