I wrote this post a few days before my Mum died. It can either go to trash or be posted here now. In a way it feels superflous. I was so tired. Now Mum is gone in some way I feel its easier to rest. I hope she is resting too.
I’m tired, I am I give love, I feel pain that I have known and its familiar when I see it. My heart opens in compassion but sometimes its hard to stem the inflow and outflow. I feel I may break in two. Today in the room with the three of us I was aware of silence and distance and a great pain my Mum’s body was carrying. I dont fully understand how I become a conduit but I feel I do. I felt stuck in place for a long time and felt like digging my nails into my arm. Inside I was screaming Get me out of here. I used to feel like this as a child in this family. Its like I was smothered there. Or drowning or something.
I keep a philosophical bent in some of my posts but I can no longer deny how tired I feel. I just dont know how much more I have to give. And the energy only feels good when I withdraw into silence or self nourishment, keeping a low profile. I cannot really deny how I truely feel. I feel so tired. I have always thought life was about giving but I feel all emptied out. I wont hear from anyone because its usually me making contact or connection. I’m tired of that as well.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Such painful feelings. I really am thinking of you at the moment in all you are going through. Sending you love and hugs xxx
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Thank you so much Twinkle. I see your posts come up and have just not had the energy to read them. I will be okay, I just need to ride the pain through and not react from an unconscious place. Much love in return. Deborah xo
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Don’t be silly. You have enough to deal with! Xx
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❤
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In all the pain, sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is rest. I hope that this weekend you can rest and just sit with all that comes up, and all you have given out. Gentle (((hugs)))) of support for you my friend, as long as you need them.
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Thank you so much, Alexis. Yes I am just feeling like being quiet and resting. Now Mum has gone I do feel less tired, I know how tired she was and how others would not let her rest, she always felt better for rest. She told me that so often. Much love to you. Deborah ❤
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I am sure she is resting and she is proud. I’m so sorry of the pain you are feeling and the exhaustion that’s settled into your bones. I have hope that things can be brighter for you, and want to let you know you’re loved; take the time out to rest and recharge, there’s no rush. xx
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Very touching! Much love to you!
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Thank you ❤
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