My heart was so heavy for her

My sister and I spent 6 hours together today sharing a simple lunch.   It’s hard to say that when she left I felt a weight being lifted, while she was here she was so so sad, there were no tears at all but it was all in her body sitting deep inside her like lead all unspoken and part of me felt like I was weighted under water the entire time.  We spent a lot of time this afternoon after sharing lunch just sitting in silence,  listening to the wind in the trees and I put on some healing music just to give a bit of soothing to the day.  At stages I found tears silently falling down with the unspoken burden of it all. Calls came from both her sons and they were full of their day and Christmas news of food and presents but none of what they said could have reached her in that place of deep sadness only two weeks out from our mother’s death.  I was so aware of it.

I stumbled to find words and questions to ask but mostly I just tried to remember to be persent with her and in my heart not rebounding around and around in my head with fear.  I had to remind myself that nothing I can do or say can change where she is at the moment and that if I really want to love I just need to be an unconditional loving presence.  My sister’s depression scares me.  I am frightened she may wish to take her life again.  She told me she finds it so hard to know how to feed herself and that often she is just not hungry.  I want to step in and offer to do it for her, and I will help her at times by inviting her over here just to have a meal so that she is not constantly alone but I also know that what is going on within her, is within her, her battle with her own being and feelings in the aftermath of losing Mum.

Gosh its been a heavy Christmas.   I can honestly say though despite all my tears I do feel so grateful that I am able to function now despite feeling so sad at times. There was a time when past sadness possessed me completely and made relating and even functioning in this world almost impossible.  When I was in that place it was difficult for others to understand and they often tried to force solutions but my healing and awareness had to happen in my own time, in my own way and maybe its like that for my sister.  She was upset I had got her gifts which was hard as she felt guilty she had nothing for me but to be honest I didnt need anything, I just wanted my sister to be cared for and given to for a change.   I feel full enough inside anyway these days.  I really just do want to give now, not make any demands on others.

Before my sister left I just wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug, what we were both feeling had no words anyway, deep grief does’nt which is why others struggle so hard when we are grieving in knowing how to reach out or what to say to us.  Let us remember this, lets be kinder on each other, life is tough and at times there are no easy answers all we can do is keep fronting up and opening our hearts and then taking a break to recharge when we can, so we can live to love and give another day.