If we have unresolved attachment wounds with our mother, it;s reflected in how well we can mother and nurture ourselves. My experience is that this kind of emptiness leaves a hole we try to fill with so many others things. Like it or not, we are wired to connect. Without loving connection or attachment we just struggle both to survive and thrive as children and later as adults.
One of the most heart touching nature programmes I watched was one on a baby gorilla whose Mum died. He wandered the forest alone trying to find a way to survive and someone to connect to. It triggered me, as that was my story too. In the end he was adopted by a larger, older male gorilla. This gorilla groomed him as a mother would and helped him to find food. Perhaps that gorilla was like the younger gorilla’s therapist. He was not the original source but stood in for her. I wonder if that baby gorilla was born with a Moon Saturn contact like me.
I went back to therapy yesterday. Some of you who follow my story on here may know that I missed appointments due to losing my telephone during all the lead up to my Mum’s funeral and my therapist was firm with her boundary (and she has not been before!) and refused to talk on the phone. This triggered my original wound and part of me was so angry and wanted to split off, never see her again. I decided not to do that. We only have one session anyway before Christmas break which spans about 13 days. At the moment I am surviving on the minimum of presence and nurture which is part of my pattern or ‘curse’. Its one reason I feel I need to get back to AA meetings, to at least have some physical body connection to others.
Even in recovery we can chooes to isolate due to high sensitivity and past abandonment. A woman who shared last night spoke about needing her space and getting annoyed by children making too much noise. My antenna went up at that one. Until we make friends with our own inner child, outer children can trigger a response we may have been subject to when young. My Mum was like this, she got annoyed by children being noisy and having fun, making mess. I was never allowed to make a mess when young and this mess can extend just to normal primal emotions that are not all together nor operate between straight lines. Yet this is how childhood emotions are, we need a lot of help with them from parents. If we dont get it our brains are scrambled. Not being soothed or comforted when hurting or in distress means we become tryants to our own feeling self in later life, lacking self empathy and self compassion.
Anyway the way I connect when there is no one to connect to is to take myself out for a cup of coffee. I connect at the cafe. I only drink very weak coffee so I hope the effects of being connected outweight the negative affects of caffiene. Its a ritual I really dont want to let go of. Connection is what we need to thrive and survive. Connecting to and expression our true self and feelings is more important than sacrificing them to be connected to others. If we learned love was conditional in childhood it may be hard to do this and may lead us to self abandon. Ideally we find connections with those who see us, receive us and get us. As humans we need this as our hearts are wired to love and connect. When we block both this desire and impulse we are in danger. We really, really are.
At the same time I do realise that I need to find better ways to mother myself and connect than via substances alone. I know the hunger for connection that is in my soul but it can drive others away at times (or has in the past) if I am too ‘needy’. I need to be an adult to inner child Debs. I need to be my own mother. I can look to others like my therapist at times for ‘holding’ but on the dark nights and days I really am alone I need to reach deep inside to find that loving mother (and yes, even father) deep inside. With both parents now gone I have that empty place I need to fill in positive, loving ways. Or else find a way to rest in emptiness with serenity, grace and peace.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
That documentary about that baby gorilla would’ve triggered me too. I probably would not even be able to watch such a show right now. So sad what happens to wild animals a lot of the time.
I understand how difficult it is to connect without substances. It’s the thing I used to use as well. It seemed to make it easier at times. But there were groups of people I could connect to at one time in my life where I didn’t feel like I needed it to connect. I felt comfortable around them anyway. So I wonder sometimes what was the draw?
Maybe it hurt to connect and I needed to numb that. That is actually something that JUST occurred to me, so it would be good to look deeper at that for myself.
I feel a bit selfish, becoming a self focused in my comments, but I have to say that your posts really provoke a lot of thought for me from my own experiences. And that I suppose is because I relate to a lot of yours as well.
I hope you find some solace in therapy and in other connections.
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Be as selfish as you like This is about working through issues. I am just in the middle of a post on how much fear I have around connecting with others. I fully understand as I feel (and I hope this isnt presumptuos) that we are similar in this.
Comment at any time. I really enjoy reading your perspective and thank you so much for your kind thoughts, ST. xo
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Yes, I definitely have fear around connecting with others. I have probably had it most of my life but I have more fear now since the events as an adult triggered some pretty severe trauma…even though I had lots during childhood too.
I have drawn myself inward much more since those more recent events and have become much more cautious about saying things I used to normally just say without thinking much about it. I’m not even talking about anything to really worry about. Even the most mundane thing, I now second guess and hold myself back, where I didn’t used to.
I started to notice this on FB after 2013, when I’d normally make a joke about something and instead I’d wonder and worry if I should really say that.
Thank you for the invite to comment “anytime.” I appreciate it and enjoy your posts. Lots of thought provoking stuff in them for me.
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I personally get so much out of what you share. I havent been able to read much of anyone else’s posts since Mum died, naturally.
I too always worry about what I say. I got in trouble a lot for speaking my mind with some people and that made me extra cautious too. Also once you say something you cant unsay it and some people read in their own subtext as do we. Its complicated. I sometimes wonder if the cost of becoming more aware is being more cautious than ever!
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Your last statement is a great point. It very well could be the case. Your first statement: Thank you. I’m so glad. It’s always nice to know how things I comment land.
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Yes we cannot know if others dont tell us. Lots of love ❤
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Do you know the name of that documentary about the gorilla? I would like watch it. I’m one of those people who can’t wake up in the morning until I’ve had my coffee. I drink about 3-4 cups a day, which I’ve only realized recently, contributes to my anxiety. Elizabeth suggested I try decaf, but I’ve always been wary about it. Surely it can’t taste as good as the real thing? But I saw they have my favourite cappuccino available in decaf as well, and bought a box. I’m so glad I tried it. It tastes even better than the caffeinated one. Now I still have my normal coffee in the morning to wake up, but switch to the decaf later in the day and it’s really helped my anxiety levels.
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I wish I knew the name of it Rayne It was on tele one Sunday afternoon when I went to have my afternoon coffee. It was so sad. It wasnt David Attenborough thats all I know.
I usually am pretty strict with coffee and keep it to one a day but I did notice with the stress of the funeral I was having two. Today I just kept it back to one. I give myself a hard time about it but I love that one cup of coffee.
Do you like the taste of the decaf? I have mine so weak and milky anyway 🙂
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I’ll maybe do some research and see if I can find it. Yeah, I like the taste… from Nescafé. Don’t know about the others. 😊
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This is so silly of me for not having put two and two together before now but I think I may need to lay off the coffee, too! Haha I was just thinking yesterday, “why won’t my brain just chill out for a while?” Lol maybe because I had like 8 cups of coffee!! 😂 😬 Lol please excuse me while I go invest in some decaf.
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I hadn’t thought about it either, until my girlfriend suggested I try drinking decaf later in the afternoon instead of my caffeinated version, lol. I thought coffee didn’t affect my anxiety, but since making this little change I’ve realized it had! 😱 Glad I could help, haha!
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