Am I seeing things clearly?

How do I know that what I am thinking is truely accurate or that what I am perceiving is clear?  After a talk with a family member I see everyone has their own perspective.    I learned a lot from this person this morning.   He reminded me how hard Mum and Dad were on all of us and of the physical abuse.   His own mother, my sister, was a compulsive cleaner, she also had addiction issues and often these two go together but I also know from my multigenerational work and reading on inherited trauma such stress is carried along the family line and lives in the cells, passing on to the next generation.   The stress commenced on Mum’s side back in the period 1873 with her great great grandfather to 1902 when my maternal grandmother was born.  I know a little of it.  My sister’s compulsive cleaning at midnight makes sense as does her cerebral heamorrahge and subsequent breakdown/bi polar diagnosis.  Her brain wasinjured by the smoking, drinking, drugs and stress and then the bleed, not to mention the events that followed.

My other sisters’ partner often told me she would not let him just relax on weekends.  Its something I tried to express in a eulogy I wrote for Mum.  Growing up it was just work, work, work, times relaxing for me were associated with injuries.  A fishhook wedged in the webbing of my big and second toe, a foot with third degree burns as a result of Mum compulsively cleaning with a scalding bucket of water on a caravan holiday when I was only 5.   Its no wonder I had my motor car crash on the way to a weekend job I had to do in the final year of school.

I can relax now, have learned to do it over the past years of recovery, but only if I don’t let the thoughts of my unearned guilt run over and over in my mind.   I know now its not great to force conclusions where others are concerned.   My mother died at a reasonable age (93), when I spoke to my nephew today a lot of it focused on money and on how little help he received when he was in need.  Today I have to go the reading of the will, I feel a karmic necessity to put things right, for the sake of the boys (the sons of my older sister who died in 2014) because I think much of what my Mum left has been left to my sister and I.   What do I do now?  While they were here these boys showed a little concern for how I was, and I know I have been badly enmshed and its not their responsibility to take care of me.  I am happy with the scraps but do they really care?  Or is it all just about money?    Even when they say money is not the point?  I want to do the right thing by them but also take care of me.

For me money is worth what you can do with it to do good.   I use my money often to buy beautiful things as I dont have kids.  I dont like to be overly self indulgent especially when I know others are in need.  I can feel guilt for the amount of financial support I have recieved and that over the past 15 years I pulled back from work when really I could have worked at something.  It is probably time to make a change.   I dont know what is left for me in my home town.  I think of making a move but to where?   My Mum has just died so I am not in the space to be making those decisions now.

10.30 am is a late breakfast, due to the oppressive heat its been hard to walk Jasper.   My life needs to expand beyond these constrained perimeters though that it occupied while my Mum was a live.  Its up to me to build that new life, no one else can do it for me.   At the moment I need to be resting a little and not tackle everything at once.   But I also need exercise and activity to maintain my health.   A day at a time.   Let me pray to put my energy into positive and constructive life and pray for my persepective to be true and realistic especially as Mercury stations to turn forward in a few days in square to confusing Neptune.  Everything seems a little cloudy today.  I need to take care and not get overly analytical.