Life is so topsy turvy

Its seems to me that modern life is so very busy and topsy turvy lately that its best to find a quiet place just to ‘be’.  When I look back to the events leading to my Mum’s death and see how things unfolded I see that a lot of unconscious underground emotion was driving things and in the end it all coalesced with Mum being pushed into rapid decline. It was so hard seeing how her body was responding to all the pulls and claims being made on it, even over years with various factors unfolding.  I see where I caused much stress for her at times, never meaning to, but causing it never the less.  As so many would say ‘that is just life and the way it unfolds’ but I do feel at times there is a time when we need to take it easy and not be too overly reactive.  When we do we end up making cuts where we should be binding things together and yet maybe even that is all part of the process.

My brother rang me and visited me this morning.  It was a lovely visit.  We looked over old photos and he actually broke down and cried about my Dad and about Mum too.  I saw how tired he was looking and how hard he has tried to be there over past days, taking charge, because that is what he used to doing.   I felt a lot more compassion for him today and when he left it was a real hug we exchanged.  I felt the softness in him and real love for him.

It seems to me that we don’t always see loved ones clearly, and if there has been hurt and loss defences cover over the love and longing and pain, and maybe the anger is necessary to express because once we get it out there it can alchemise or transform in some way.  I see my brother was very much a product of his upbringing but I also see the essence in him, the brilliant architect/designer who got to live his dream and put his imaginings into real solid buildings.  It’s interesting that my grandfather (the first one who died years before any of us siblings were born) came to Canberra to build houses for the government.  I don’t think he and Nana could have been here for more than about 8 or 9 years before Bluey died of war injuries in 1931.   I would have to do work to get the information from ancestry sources.

My brother in speaking about the sons of my sister who died in 2014 said today “they wont come back here again, for there is nothing here for them to come back to”  (??? I live here?) oh well its okay, maybe they came back only to see their Grandma.   We cannot hold on to anything in our life which is not ‘for’ us, its something a very dear friend of mine from AA used to say to me all the time “what’s for you won’t go past you”.  I am no longer interested in fighting the tide.   What is meant to come to me comes.  I can put some work in to achieve things or make connections but the outcome of it is not always in my hands.  The best I can hope to do is to live with a clear heart, be as true to myself as I can be, and as loving as I can be to others.   In the end there is a bigger story playing out.  I am a player involved in it but I do not always have control.   The most I can hope to do is to grow in consciousness and love day by day.