There are times when I really want to block my heart. I have times when I get let down and its all too much, most times I can rebound from it but not always. Once again my therapist and I have fallen out. I could not make the missed appointment yesterday due to losing my phone and the fact we had over 5 hours of meetings and other things to organise for the funeral, last night my therapist was not willing to talk to me on the phone and said I have to wait until Monday. This happened when my older sister died. I fell out with that therapist then, too. I just sat in the car crying my eyes out to a song about a person who makes all the difference, and having them here is all the singer needs. I know the truth is I need my own tender heart but I made a bond with Kat and now that is going to be severed too. I am very angry with her and my body is hurting. I am not going back!
Anyway I am letting it all go. I don;t want to hold onto the anger, just face facts. It’s outside of my control, my friends who are willing to cry with me and share my pain give me more than my therapist to be honest. I have missed this heart to heart connection for most of my life and possibly therapy has made it possible. I also decided today after Mum’s death I am going to get Reiki or a holding therapy for my body as well as do deep work on the ancestral stuff as proposed by Mark Wolynn in his book on multigenerational trauma. I will not go through this grief and deeper psychological separation stuff alone. My astrology clearly showed that while Saturn was in the 4th house I would make some kind of deep ancestral wound around both father and mother conscious and move on from some deep family karma. I dont know how much I can bind back again with certain members of my family. The ones I cannot, I just want to let go in love. We came from the same cellular subtance but I carry far different parts than my other siblings did which is only natural.
Today is a day out from the stress of any organisation and a lay day before some relatives arrive. Luckily this time they are staying separate and a person I thought was really bonded to my Mum has made the decision to not accompany her husband to the funeral. It made my heart ache but maybe its all for the best. Everyone has to grieve in their own way and some people find having and sharing feelings with others problematic. Everyone has some deep grief somewhere, a lot of my friends who are of a simliar age and have lost mothers in the past few years understand as others do not what its like, so I draw close to and with them. I know my own Mum’s grief was often blocked but in later years we did cry together. I remember those special times I held her hand as she cried. I know she loved me for it and I loved her even though at times her defences frustrated the hell out of me. It was all part of the messy mixed up package of our very human relationship.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
My condolences to you and your family. I can’t believe that your own therapist would give you such grief knowing fully what you are going through. I think it may be time to find a new one, one that at least has a pulse.
I agree with you in the respects to how friends can be much more of a support during the most trying times in our lives. I don’t honestly know what I would do without mine.
I am pleased to hear that you had moments with your Mom and that you were there for her.
Always remember, that you are number one, and your feeling s are validated regardless of what your so-called therapist thinks. She sounds like a real pill.
Please give yourself some self-love, and relax as much as you can over the next couple of weeks.
God Bless You.
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Thank you so much for that validation. I am scared if I dont go back my breast cancer may come back as when the other therapy broke after I lost my sister (and she was similarly harsh and inflexible) I got the breast cancer. Your words mean so much to me at this time. I have another therapist I may be able to turn to but you know how it is at Christmas. Much love to you Beckie xo
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Much Love to You as well my dear. XO 🙂
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❤ ❤
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I have been quietly reading your posts for a bit now. And I finally figured I’d comment. I’ve been going through my own grieving recently; it’s different, but know that even though we don’t know each other, there is a tender spot in my heart for what you’re going through now.
And I’m so sorry that your therapist was inflexible at such an emotionally trying time. That is painful. It’s so good that you’ve found ways to connect with people and process your grief in healthy ways despite that though.
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HI KD how lovely that you reached out to me, how lovely to know you even if via cyber world. Yes, my heart broke at my therapists treatment. This is the third time she has done this to me and today I decided enough. I did some research and managed to find a caring lady who does Reiki and spiritual healing. I was feeling for some time I didnt like the format of pure talk therapy that doesnt take in the body as I feel we hold our grief inside. I firmly believe that is what twisted my Mum’s body up so much. We dont really know how to grieve well in modern culture.
Do you mind if I ask if your grief is from loss of a loved one?
Its taken me a long time to be able to express and process my grief. I internalised it for a long time. I really appreciate your feedback and thanks so much for commenting. Much love Deborah
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