The first day after.

Spending more time with a brother I realise I barely know has been both interesting and fraught around the dying of my mother.  When he appeared no one was more shocked than me, when he stayed I was more surprised and I realised that I do not really know my brother.  Some followers may know I had a major clash with him a few weeks ago.  It was concerning feelings and family issues and from this I had to learn that naturally my brother’s and my perspective vary and we have very different values.  He is supremely practical and this wounds me in all kinds of ways.  As the older sibling he is taking charge which is fair enough, I don’t want to be battling following the death of my mother as there are so many emotions running around.

Today I said I would sit out the meeting with the funeral directors as he had hurt me a lot by certain comments and just not validating where I was coming from in needing to spend loving time with family at this difficult time. We shared some phone time as he answered questions from the funeral director or details of Mum’s father (whose name he did not know.)  He has rarely shown any interest in family history and though he travels overseas he has never once visited the country of my father’s birth, nor made any connection whatsoever with Dad’s relatives. That has fallen to me as the youngest.

We clashed a bit over the past few days as he was dissuading certain relatives from coming down to see Mum before she died.  I arked up at that, as I do and yesterday he accused me of being ‘a loose cannon”.  This was less than an hour after my mother died.  Luckily I got a reality check from someone who knows us both and they feel that he is just not able to handle any form of assertion or confrontation and he buries his emotions, but I have to be sensitive and mindful enough to know that does not mean that he does not have them.

I want to love my brother where he is at.  Its hard enough at present as my sister is not returning any of my calls.   I have learned not to expect that my sister would want to reach out to me in my grief today.  It hurts but I am going to let it go, she does what is capable of and is struggling herself.  Luckily both sons have flown down to be with her.  It may be she is setting a healthy boundary, I dont know but a heart friend of mine was shocked today to learn that my sister was not reaching out to me in grief.  I know we all handle grief differently but is still a loss for me.   Only a few members of my family have contacted me after my mother’s death so I am learning who I matter to and who I don’t. (But when I read that back… and ill let it stand who knows, they may care and just not think to want to show it or know how?  I dont know).

Death may be the great separator.  It seems to cast things into clear relief. It dispels some of our illusions, such as the belief we can put acts of love off to another day or time.  It reminds us of the limits of things and the best we can do is accept these with good grace.  It reminds us how important connection is.  I am grateful most of all to my cousin who offered to be with me last night for a few hours, she let me cry and then sent me a message at 4 am when I too was awake, after I read it I fell back to sleep.   She lost her own Mum just over 5 years ago and so many other friends of mine have also lost their mothers so at such a time its good to reach out to them as they understand.

When grieving I have learned we need to draw close to those who understand and can offer real comfort not defences and platitudes, grief is a measure of our love and joy comes when we find the freedom to release our true self to feel it for the more we do this the more of the lighter emotions we can feel.  We wont cry all the time and we will smile, knowing how lucky we were and what work it took to keep love alive even amidst such grief and pain.