No easy way

I wrote this on the night before Mum passed.  Last night I could not help but remember to see how much she suffered and struggled.  In AA they had a saying, so often quoted “this too shall pass.”  I am so glad my Mum is no longer suffering as she was, I hate to see what drugs do to the system but its where most medical practice is.  As my cousin said to me this afternoon a nurse who works with the dying told her today that dying is not as it  is so often portrayed on television.  Its often painful, harsh and brutal.  :

There is no easy way to watch someone you love suffering deeply and be able to do nothing.  I won’t go into a long description of what I had to watch Mum go through at the hospital tonight but it was not easy.   I am grateful for the very kind and caring staff who are looking after my Mum.  At one point she was so restless and overcome due to adrenal overload she was crying to be lifted out of bed and to see the swelling in her legs and her arms covered with bruises where they have tried to insert canulas and other needles well it was just horrible.  Like something out of a nightmare.  I made the decicison to leave at 9.30 pm there was nothing more I could do than be with her and I was starting to feel a bit sick.   Her body has endured so much its as though she cannot bear to be in her skin any more.   I know my Mum’s pain is not my pain but to see her suffering in this way and be able to do nothing is so hard.   All I can do is pray for her and after leaving do the best I can to let go for a while and hope she is held in loving care.  Aging can be full of such suffering, we can take our health so much for granted.  The pressure left me as soon as I got home and relaxed what Mum is going through now no one can take away.     I just hope I sleep tonight.