It broke my heart

I finally got to the hospital at 7.30 last night.  Mum was sitting in the chair dozing and she looked so terribly old and vulnerable.   Her face was all bruised around her left eye and my heart broke for her.  I just sat quietly until she woke up.   Apparently she fell at 6 pm on Tuesday evening and was lying there for 5 hours, just this week we were talking about the idea of getting an emergency call service for her.   It is so hard aging as falls are very much a part of life.  And of course all the connections are made and the visit from my nephew and his daughter is being blamed.  It may have contributed for all I know but it saddens me that an authentic desire to connect and share love from my nephew has now been considered to be ‘all bad’.  According to Mum it was all too much for his little daughter. I do not know the answer.  As I tried to address in my last post sometimes bad things happen and then we look for someone to blame, that person may have contributed something to the stress of the situation, for sure.

Anyway I awoke again at 5 am with a lot of guilt for my Mum.  I had not wanted her taken to hospital in the ambulance when that is clearly where she needed to be.  I wanted to keep her safe and wrapped in cotton wool, but real life is not like that, at times we have to make tough calls.  They have also found that she has had compacted faeces in her bowel and that has been making her ill.  It is part of the pain meds they have had her on but also I have noticed in that in the last year her mobility has been more and more restriced, now her body is badly twisted.   I see the trauma she has been under over the past 30 years really and feel sad for her but I also know there were times she could have receached out for help, especially in dealing with her grief.  One of the legacies of her difficult childhood is that she is super independent and tends to over extend herself, I know from my time in Al Anon and adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics that this is one of the core reactions to abandoment trauma or stress.  When we can’t depend on others or reach out for help its a real problem as I see it.  My other sister who is still alive struggles with this.

On that subject I was listening to a great program on just that this morning.  It was about the coming Christmas season and how important it is for us to be aware that others suffer as do we, they may find themselves alone with no family or friends.  Its a terrible situation and as we all know Christmas is hell if you come from a difficult, addicted or narcissistic family with heaps of issues.   That is why at this time its essential to have someone who is good for you and uplifting to be around, someone you can totally be yourself and honest with.  In my own life I was very lucky last year to make such a friend and today when I was getting pulled back into a lot of pain about seeing my Mum in such a sorry state I reached out to call her and she reminded me to be careful not to take it all on board,  I will be no use to anyone if I let the events of this week totally take me under.  Its important to practice self care at this time and look for the joyful and good, the nurturing and nourishing around me.  And I must say again that in this regard the beautiful souls on WordPress saved my bacon this week.  Such a powerful innundation of love and support really lifted me up at a very, very dark time.

The minute I logged on to write my blog when I was back in the depths of despair on Tuesday at midday I felt my energy shift.  I felt an influx of positivity and light, and its important too at times like this to keep reading other blogs and tune in to others who may be going through a hard time.   We need to be mindful how hard this time of year can be for so many of us.  We need to keep love in our hearts even when its not shown to us by the hyper busy world out there.   For me I am just glad I found blogging 4 years ago this December.  It was just after a very lonely painful Christmas I was encouraged to start my blog.

Anyway today was a bit of a difficult start too but not as bad as Tuesday.   I am aware that these hospital visits to Mum stir a lot up for me.  One thing I did remember today though were all the times Mum has tried to support me.  I need to keep remembering she did the best she could with what she knew and that she herself was never never nurtured. It’s why she overdoes things now and that makes me sad as I know much of the pain she has gone through comes from seeing family suffer from the deficits she unwittingly passed on, its not her fault really (in that it wasnt done consciously), she did the best she knew (even though I know some causes and effects of what she had done due to defences and limitiations have made life harder for us).  Realising that truth restores me rightful humility and opens my heart to a deeper ocean of awareness that lies beyond the mind.   I am aware Mars goes into the deep deep waters of Scorpio over the next few days.  We will be mining deep emotions for a while.   Its good to have some metaphorical deep sea diving gear at the ready!

That said Scorpio also rules the dark side, as well as the personal and collective shadow.  Scorpio is notorious for wanting to protect its intense vulnerabilities and may reach for power or control so as not to be unmasked.  The Wizard of Oz hiding behind his curtain comes to mind here.   So there may be lessons of humility and vulnerability associated with Mars in Scorpio, things might not be truly as others say they are so we will need to look deeper into our own and other’s shadowy depths at times.   We all long for love and connection but sometimes the first place we need to find it is from within.