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Too much

My mother has been taken by ambulance to hospital this afternoon.   She felt the visit from my nephew would be too much and that has proved to be the case.  Last night she collapsed on the floor in the middle of the night, she doesnt remember the fall.  I dont know what else to say but that I feeling terrible guilt.  If the stress with my grand niece had not occured I am sure she would have been in a better place.

My Mum has suffered enough pain.   I know that. This is about the 8th hospitalistion since she fractured her pelvis trying to bring a suitacse down a flight of stairs all alone when my other sister was in hospital.   I know she has told me so many times she doesnt want to be here any more at times.  My sister said today I wish she could just go to sleep.

Its natural my nephew wanted his daughter to meet Mum, but he told me he was not taking no for an answer even though Mum had told him it was all too much.   I also pushed her outside of her boundary so I have to take some responsbility here.   It seemed all too painful for the abandonment wound to replay and mean little Lyra would never meet her great grandmother.   I think I should have held onto that pain and not tried to force a solution, as should my nephew but that said we never know just what consequences certain actions will bring.

I just feel so sad for my Mum and for my older sister.   She was the one there for Mum today when I could not be as I was so over come by the recent events with Lyra.   I feel like a bad neglectful daughter but I know I am not but I am a late baby so maybe I was not as sensitive to Mum as I should have been.  I am posting this in the spirit of trying to be emotionally as honest as I can be.   I cant take my Mum’s pain away and I am not responsible for her painful back, but maybe I should have tried to convince my nephew not to come.  Or else I am taking on responsibility for something that is not entirely mine.   At this point I dont know.   I just feel sad.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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22 thoughts on “Too much”

  1. Like you said, you never know the outcome of certain situations. You were trying to do a good thing. There’s certainly no fault or any reason to feel guilty imo. It’s a tough situation though and I hope you can stay strong throughout.

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  2. All of your feelings are completely valid and understandable … but I wanted to say that you cant carry this. None of this is down to you. You couldn’t predict what would happen and your mother could have stood her ground if it was a total dealbreaker surely?

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  3. I’m so sorry to read about everything you and your family are currently going through. It appears to me that you have nothing you need to feel guilty about, no one could have foreseen this happening, your intentions were nothing but good. Please go easy on yourself xx

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  6. Hi- and I’m agreeing with all of the above (for what it’s worth!). Not sure why a visit from a family member was ‘all too much’? You sound caught between pleasing your mother and your nephew and it seems to me they’re both adults? Sorry, am I being harsh? Best wishes anyway, glad little Lyra seems ok now!

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    1. No you arent being too harsh. He did share a lot of his burdens with me from the past in tersms of his unresolved trauma and it was a lot for me to hold alone, as my therapist told me. My Mum tried to front up and I think in a way it was too much for her to face the pain that she was in some way involved in from the past and then I think on the day of the fall she overdid things but due to the stress of what happened with Lyra we were all to exhausted to support her. Anyway thanks for sharing your view, comments and viewpoints are always welcome on my blog as is your support. 🙂

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  7. Oh dear, I feel so sad for you. That is definitely way too much happening all at once. I completely understand your feelings of guilt… I’m the same, always taking on responsibility for things that aren’t mine and wanting to make everyone happy. I think it’s normal for sensitive and caring people like you, to have that kind of reaction. But keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault. You are only responsible for yourself. I’m so sorry you have had to go through all of this. Hang in there, sending you lots of love and best wishes for you and your family ❤

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    1. Thank you so much ❤ I see that I do exactly that. I have done it for a lot of my life and it ends up hurting me too much often I feel the storm then passes on and no one even bothers to get in touch, they got what they wanted and that's that even if it ended badly. Anyway I feel this morning I need to be more selfish that I am, to still care but put more limits around it. I cannot heal others pain, its a bit of a saviour mentality really. It may be overblown mental limits in some way. I appreciate you reaching out to me so very much, so once again, from the bottom of my heart thank you. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. You’re very welcome… I truly understand how it feels to think I have to be responsible for everyone… and you’re so right about setting limits, even though it can be so difficult to do. Plus you just have so much going on all at once, I can imagine how it would just leave you kind of spinning. Take good care of yourself ❤

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      2. Yes, I get those spins every night and morning. I dont know which way is best to turn but I seem to manage it. Sometimes others can see things we cannot when caught up in it. Its so nourishing to know you understand. I feel your deep heart. Thank you. ❤

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  8. I’m so so sorry to hear of your mother’s pain. It is hard to not take on the pain of others and want to fix it and take some responsibility. Often times that responsibility is their choice though and their boundaries they have to work on. It is and can be a heavy load to carry the weight of our own and others. I am just so sorry you are feeling down and pray for some light to come your way

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