To my super kind followers

To all those who left comments of support for me on my post Too Much, thank you so much.  I awoke feeling the darkness of it all at 3 am.  I was relieved when, by 5.30 am I could feel things flowing in my body, the rigid stasis and push pull of being on a knife edge of trauma, terror, fear, depression had softened.  It may be due to the fact that last night I did not rush up to the hospital to see Mum.  They would have her heavily sedated anyway and if I hadn’t spent all those hours in emergency on Monday night I might have been up for it.  But really,if I am honest and being true to me, I wasn’t.  So I decided to take care of me.

There has been a lot to contemplate over night and to consider.  I am seeing exactly what several of my followers are pointing out to me, so to all of you who helped me see things in this way I can only say that today I am overcome with gratitude for you being there for me.  I do take on a lot of guilt for what is not my responsibility.  In my disaster mind I expected followers to unfollow me after yesterday, I don’t know why I was taking on guilt for my nephew’s visit when really it was going okay up to the point Lyra had her attack.  As I think about it I think it was all due to overwhelm really : she had a later night on the night before they left to go home and her body got a bit contorted falling asleep to a movie on the lounge, also she is so sensitive and I dont know what it was she picked up at my mother’s.

Anyway I dont want to keep ceaselessly following pathways of thought which are clumsy attempts to find meaning in a very confusing situation.  I am also sad my nephew has not had time to return my call to him of 7 am yesterday.  I know he is probably caught up and busy but just a short call to see how we are say how Lyra is would be good.  He doesn’t even know about Mum yet.  Anyway I guess is just the way it is.  I will keep thinking the best that I can.

I am thinking though that the Neptune squares to the full moon that hit Lyra’s Mars on Sunday show that energy was flooding through on all levels during their visit.  My sister had her cerebral bleed when Neptune hit her Mercury in 1980.  I looked at the aspects on Tuesday and Lyra has the same degree of her Neptune as the Sun was at when Judy had the bleed.  I read this in terms of the epigentic connections that Mark Wolynn speaks of in his book It Didnt Start With You.  Her Sun which is sense of self and vital energy squares this Neptune and I too have Sun Neptune, I was reading in a book on the Astrology of family dynamics last night that Sun Neptune aspects run in families as do other solar, lunar (emotional), Venusian (relational) and Mars (self assertion) aspects.   I think these Sun Neptune families are full of artistic sensitive types who are super absrobent to energies.  We don’t always have good boundaries and with Sun Neptune often the father lineage is weak, ill, addicted or suffering in some way.  The child may ry then to compensate by being overly compassionate or guilt ridden .  Luckily I saw during her visit that Lyra’s Dad encourages her to assert herself,but I still see some difficulties.  She has the Mars Uranus opposition that shows she likes to go her own way.   But that absorbent Sun Neptune concerns me.  She also has Neptune in the sign that rules her great grandmother’s Mars (Pisces) so I do feel there is a strong link between them and her interest and curiosity in her grandmother’s side of the family (who are so far away) shows that she may pick up a lot of stuff psychically.  It was spooky that when the ambulance came it was an echo of my car crash and also my sister (who was there at the time, Lyra’s other aunty) had emergency called when she tried to take her life in Mum’s unit back in April 2013.   What happened on Monday afternoon must have affected my mother so deeply.  Is it any wonder she fell when she got out of bed in the early hours of yesterday morning?

I knew somethign was up yesterday.  She has a lovely caretaker at the apartment complex she lives in and I rang him yesterday to check on her as I had a bad feeling.  At first he thought Mum was asleep, yes she was but she had taken a tablet after getting back into bed after the fall which she did not remember occuring.  She woke up to find herself on the floor in the early ams.  If you read the link I shared to the article on trauma shared by Owen Marcus yesterday he talks of states of what he calls hypo arousal that occur as one side of the bi polar pendulum of trauma.  In these we collapse or our body does and we feight, fawn or go/play dead.  The body may switch off to protect us from emotional overwhelm and the psychic flooding that occurs as part of overwhelming trauma.  The other side is of course hyper arousal and he speaks about both of these in the article which I will provide again a link to below.

Anyway I need to eat something soon.  Its 8 am and I have been awake since 6 ish.  I need to find the strength to get to the hospital today to see my Mum for a short visit and I have therapy this afternoon.   I just wanted to end this by saying again thanks so much to followers for standing by me with such support.  Your feedback means the world to me, both as support and a reality check.   I value you all more than words can say.  And I’ll keep saying it.   Bless you.  xox

Link to Owen Marcus article on trauma :

Insights on Healing the Trauma Body