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Dark dark day

I am in such a dark place today.  Just before leaving to get their flight my little grand niece was put down for a sleep, when my nephew went to wake her she had turned blue and was having convulsions.   All I heard was a terrified yell and my nephew shouting at me to call an ambulance.  I dont know if you know what a trigger this was.  When the ambulance men were over her terrified little body they had their backs towards me and I was so scared for her.  All I wanted them to do was to let her be, she was crying and convulsing, it was truely terrifying.

I had to take Jasper home, we were at my mothers for lunch and part of me did not want to go to the hospital, I was already fairly overwhelmed from the visit and had beent to see my therapist at 11 am and was warned to take care of my boundaries.  I had been very overwhelmed on Sunday morning.   I managed to make myself something to eat.  My nephews wife had to get a flight down and so I went to the hospital to wait with him but oh my god to see poor Lyra lying there with boards strapped to her arms and a huge amount of blood that she shed when they had to battle to get the IV in.  They had her heavily sedated and she out of it.   I stayed with my nephew until just before his wife arrived.  They were wheeling her up to Intensive Care from emergency and I just knew i had to get out and get home.  I was in the unit when I had my accident at 17.  I was in that hospital witnessing similar scenes when my sister tried to take her life in 2013, it all came flooding back in waves.

I must have only managed 2 hours sleep before waking at 2.30 am.   I was awake, asleep, awake, asleep since then.  They were flying her out to Sydney after 2 hours of preparations and the helicopter was due at 11.30 pm.  I finally spoke to my nephew around 7 am, they have done a lot of tests and believe it has all been caused by a virus which has affected her brain tissue, but I had so many fears and dreads and thoughts going through my mind all night and then I had a terrible nightmare where I was being abused by a man while pinned in place in the back of a car.     I did not think I could open the computer to write this a few moments ago but since I have my energy is returning I was so scared as this morning I am back in that darkest space I was in and have been having constant flashbacks and panic attacks.  I have not managed to eat any food, I spent about half an hour in the shower.  I am having suicidal thoughts and feelings of doom, but if I write this maybe I will find some release, before I was just feeling so very, very alone.  Of course not one of my family members who live here have been in touch.  Its just me and Jasper and at times like these I am aware I only have one friend to call who is working right now.

I had such hope in yesterdays blog that I would survive my nephew and his daughter’s leaving but this event just has made it feel like my family is doomed to trauma and tragedy, is something my nephew was crying about last night.  I am so very sick of the blackness, lonelieness and darkness.  Is this really life?  But as I write these words I see I am in a dark space,   I feel haunted at the moment.  I will try to reach for light.  If I can just get this out there maybe someone will hear and reach out and I will feel a release and be able to finally eat something.   Writing this has helped me to see I have been in overwhelm and sucked back into trauma’s stranglehold.   With no human body connection here it’s harder to get out of it.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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28 thoughts on “Dark dark day”

      2. I didnt freak at the hospital but just had to get out of there. Today was hard but I’ve come through. They still have her under sedation they cant find anything as a cause. When I look at her astrology I see all kinds of things but things I cant share with anyone mainstream. I dont know if you understand but this world is so mixed up, emotions and multigenerational connections, energies and all of this all affect us. Anyway sending you thanks for your loving support, Laina. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      3. Oh wow! How very frightening 😳😰💞💞. Oh yes, I understand everything you said about the world; I have always felt exactly that. I’ve always been into astrology, too 🤗. The world energies are very dissonant right now, and have been for a long time 💖. People are way more affected than they realize. People like you and me, we get it. But most people wouldn’t understand 💜💙. Continuing to send you love, caring, and support! 🌈💘🌷🌸🍀💌💌❤️💛💚💝

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  2. I am so sorry to hear of your pain and struggles. My thoughts, prayers, peace and love are with you. It took courage to share and I hope it helped in some small way xx

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    1. Thank you. it was so hard to share. I felt guilty even leaving him at 10.30 but I also feel I got retrauamtised. I am not sure whether its best to self care or care for others. Its so hard. Bless you for your thoughts. Deborah ❤

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      1. It’s so hard, but you are no good to anyone if you are not well. Self care is vital. The guilt comes from having a good heart and soul. But your health needs some of that love too. Peace and love as ever xx

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  6. Jesus this is horrific!!!! That poor little girl and poor you and your nephew. That’s truly awful for anyone get alone an additional trigger thrown in as well. Well done for leaving when you needed to and taking care of yourself, that’s really good. I’m not surprised at all that is thrown you into nightmares and panic attacks, what a horrible thing to witness! I hope she and you are both okay?! X t

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    1. Thanks Twink I am better this evening, but sadly they still have Lyra sedated. I hope when she wakes up she is not too traumatised. The thing is she is a whole 4 hours away now. Though that may be for the best due to all the triggers for me. I really appreciate your concern. Love D xox

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    1. Thank you Rayne. I really hope she will be okay. She is most certainly surrounded by a lot of love with her immediate family, I just hope the trauma of being pinned down is not remembered too much by her. They seem to think she had a viral infection with affected her brain. Much love to you, it was so devestatingly traumatic to see her like that. ❤ ❤

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  8. Oh sweet lyra, I hope she is ok now!
    That sounds truly terrifying, triggering, exhausting, emotionally exhausting. I am so sorry that you and your loved ones have been through so much trauma. It is hard to eat and sleep in times like those. I hope you are ok now

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      5. Oh my gosh I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. Anytime you want to email me or message me through that on your iphone or ipad it will be through IMessage. Terribly sorry for your loss

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