We talked everything through

I’m home now after my therapy session.  I am very glad I went.  I was in tears on the way over there because I know when things are going well I can feel and be who I really am in Kat’s rooms.  She explained to me why she took the course she did, trying to help me build a stronger container so that in therapy we can deal with things without energy leaking out all over the place, allowing things to build percolate and tranform.  She empathised with how I felt at being so called ‘shut out’; said it was like being treated in a way by my father where my needs did not count, a course of action was decided for me and I just had to go along.  She told me it’s important that I dont feel I am ‘too much’ for her.   I see what she did came out of concern for me and our relationship and I think she was genuinely surprised I was courageous enough to come back and address things.  I am glad too, if I cut and run at Christmas I would be feeling very alone.   So all in all it ended well.   And she told me she thought I had done so well to hold through and that she saw me making really big progress to become more independent without denying the deep dependency wound I have had to carry for most of my life.

We have changed our session time to a better time now.  I was finding 3pm in the afternoon difficult because at this time my body wants to wind down or spend time resting or going for a walk with Jasper in preparation for our dinner.  Its something I pushed for and making these kind of decisions makes me feel I have some kind of power to change.

Anyway for what its worth that is my update.   This afternoon I can just relax, listen to the radio, read and write.   I’m in a calm and peaceful place.  My therapy is moving on and healing does take containment, patience and time, lots of time.