Our longing for connection

I am thinking about the loving connection that we long for in our lives a lot today.  Studies on neurotransmitters and empathy show that when we show empathy to ourselves or have it shown to us, the love hormone oxytocin flows more freely.   We are soothed, calmed and restful.  And just as I was typing that last sentence what sprung to mind was how many shows there have been on the radio here lately about the over prescription of pain meds such as oxycontin (notice the similarity in the names) and how use of such can lead to an addiction to other drugs.   Doctors are becoming more aware that they are rushing to prescribe these pain meds too quickly and thus fostering an epidemic of over use and consumption.

I had a long conversation with my nephew this morning about how sad and shut out he feels with some of his brothers when they fail to show him empathy.  He is facing a big situation at present, in which he needs a lot of empathy and support and it’s not forthcoming.  He is aware that his young daughter is also suffering due the lack of connection with his grandmother’s side of the family.  Her grandmother, my sister died 3 years ago.  And so it hit extra hard when my mother, her great grandmother told me she was going to tell him not to come, as it was all too much.   When we spoke about it this morning he told me it makes him sad, and also a bit confused, he spoke to his grandma last night and she told him she is looking forward to seeing him.  Connecting in our family is so mixed up and confusing.

I can no longer call my therapist out of session or I am to text her and she might call me back.  I texted her today to tell her know what is going on and she told me we will have to deal with it on Tuesday, that is fine but I don’t have anyone else to talk about it now.  I need to remember my therapist is not a friend.   I pay her money for a service and this pretty much it.  She has no obligation to me outside of session.  I am not as emotional about this as I was last week.  Last week it felt like just more of an emotional unavailabiity pattern repeating.

I read a beautiful heartfelt post this morning from Rayne, of Journey Toward Healing where she spoke of how she was longing for connection with her own therapist.   I thought of the soothing loving presence her therapist seems to have which Rayne has shared in other posts.  It reminds me that my therapist is not emotional at all. She is very analytical.   I cannot long for her in that way but I do often or have longed for that available nurturing presence in the past, that said I often feel sad when I have to leave my therapist behind after session or long for those sessions to go on for longer.  For the reason it has not been available to me from the outside I have had to build it this love from within.   I have a part of me inside that is like a mother and can hold my inner child when she is hurting, she is more available now and doesn’t let the vulnerable part of me be so savaged inwardly by my inner critic.

Anyway, on a positive note I did have a very connected and loving conversation with my nephew this morning.  I have offered him some financial help with no strings.  He was so grateful but believe me I don’t want him to be, I just want to give him what I know will help because I want to give it.   This is altriusm and is something that I will share about in the next post on antidotes to the hurt we suffer from a parent’s emotional unavailability in Nina Brown’s book that I have been sharing some information from recently.   I am so grateful when people give to me from this generous place.   I don’t see my therapist reaching forward with this kind of generosity.  I can understand her need for boundaries, but part of me feels like not going back.  I probably wont not go again but I am not sure.  Gosh life can be confusing.

One thing I do know is that as humans we are wired for connection, when we suffer relationship trauma its only new loving relationships which can heal this.  Such relational traumas over difficulties in attaching and connecting affect us at the most profound neurobiological level.  Its something therapist Tian Dayton shares in her book on Emotional Sobriety.  To heal this severing or wounding to our bodies takes a lot of love and connection.  Once we can long for it and feel the wound over its absence we are a long way along.  Blocking this need means we may have learned like the baby just to stop crying and no longer protest or long for mother, we deny we were hurt and look for other solutions, connecting to substances or disconnecting.  There is another alternative though.  We learn to feel and heal our hearts and then know the desire for connection has value and act upon it.   We learn to reach out and give because our heart energy is made to flow forward not to be all stoppered and dammed up.  At least in my opinion.

Just after posting this today,  I thought of how grateful I am that I have a friend I can meet with to have a chat later.   I thought too of what was so often said to me in early sobriety (not to get too lonely, angry, hungry or tired.)  Such things are triggers for using as in that situation we look for some kind of short term quick fix relief that doesn’t help or give the real soothing we need. Just take the pain away we have to deal with later..  When I am lonely I need to reach out for connection.   I used to just sit for ages in my loneliness alone and it got so painful.   I think is so important to feel our need for connection as humans, it springs from our heart and is one of our most fundamental drives.  We just have to beware that it drives us in healthy loving and self loving directions.  And we can also remember that the deepest connection is with a core of love, we find deep inside when we know our own hearts well and keep our life line to empathy and connection flowing within.