Enough is enough

Its taking me a lot of time to see my mother realistically.  Those who have followed my blog for some time will already know this.  The amount of times my mother has invalidated me or hurt me and then tried to cover it over or hook me back in are really too numeous to mention. In the past when I have tried to set boundaries with her I have not stuck to them.

Today what was revealed to me through yet another painful interaction comes hot on the heels of seeing how Mum really is incredibly immature in her responses and lacks boundaries with my older sister.  I didnt share last week about the spin I got sent into after she downloaded a pile of angst all about things that were neither of our concern to take on board.  What I am now seeing is that I need to detach.  I have spent years taking on my Mum’s feelings, having sympathy for the way she suffered as a child, but today when she revealed to me how selfish she can be about the issue concerning my nephew who is not well I finally said to myself enough is enough.  When I confronted her on it, she told me to get out of her unit.  I had gone over there to give her a lift to do her shopping and when I arrived she was in the middle of drying her hair so I took her rubbish down.  When she told me to ‘get the hell out’.  I didnt argue.  I told her I had taken her rubbish down and just drove home in the car.  I havent done anything wrong.  I have always tried to support her emotionally even when its been at a big risk to me.  I am now at the point where enough is enough.  I have noticed lately that one phone call with her can set me back, its always one drama after another when I ring her with one or another family member.

None of my family have chosen emotional recovery.  None of them have had any therapy or counselling, except for my older sister who died and sadly she chose a therapist who just medicated her and didnt help her to work through any of her adult child issues.  By contrast I have been doing my own emotional work for over 23 years now.  I will soon be 24 years sober from addiction.  I’m not trying to say here I am a better person but I have tried to take responsibility for my life, AND I have taken over responsibility for things that were not mine to take on board, like a true co-dependent.  I know its harsh but I now firmly believe happiness is an inside job.  Nothing outside of us can give it to us if we dont choose to find out what is good for us first.  The things that hurt we have to find the courage and strength to shut the door on.  At a certain stage in recovery this may mean for a time we are very alone as old relationships clear out. That is now were I find myself but strangely I feel less alone than I did in the past.  When I take care of me that heals my aloneness.   And it helps when I say no to those who cant really give in an authentic way or those who want to download angst that comes from their own inability to pratice self care.  I am finally losing patience with those people.