Worrying News

Worrying news today, that one of my nephews has to undergo a brain operation before Christmas.  It triggers thoughts of his Mum`s cerebral haemorrahge in my mind and heart.  It makes me feel so sad, what if the pressure from all that never got to be said or felt built up inside his head.  He was the one who was only 6 and didnt know his father sent my sister home with a one way ticket all those years ago.  I feel helpless.  There has been so much trauma go down in our family.

He wants to bring his daughter to visit us next week.  I have not met little Lyra yet, I think from what I know and of the photos she has a lot of the characteristics of my older sister who died in 2014.   It will be a healing visit but also a sad one, knowing my nephew has to go through this operation.  He was so practical and matter of fact on the phone a moment ago.   I feel alot of emotions swirling around.  I feel sad.  I just feel sad.  That sadness feels a lot like love, love I held so deep inside and never really got to express. I don`t know if this makes sense but writing this is helping me to get the feelings out and touch base with those feelings.  There is and was so much I am powerless over.

(Post script : the saddest thing,  my mother, his grandmother doesnt want him to come in her words she isnt up for the visit.  I can just see this huge mother wound replaying over and over with no resolution.  I do not understand my Mum I think her emotions are locked so far down inside she is terrified that if he comes it will stir up all her grief over my dead sister. That said its her boundary.   It just makes me feel even sadder.  😦  )