Self criticism grows in a climate of neglect.

Interesting and very empowering therapy session today.  Kat and I focused on my incessant  running inner monologue of self criticism. She was explaining to me that when a child has no where to go when the emotional climate is empty or hostile they will turn all the bad feelings in on themselves. The lack of support become a self attack – the inner self becomes ‘bad’ and frustration and energy is then turned inward.  There is no way for the emotionally immature child to know the parents are failing them so they make it all about themselves.

This would make sense to me of my big smash up at the age of 17, it was expressing how I really felt deep inside being captured in my emotionally barren non present family as well as the deep feelings of emptiness that grew inside and left me hungering for connection with no self protecive boundaries.  I had nowhere to turn and could only turn the feelings back inside until they built and built, later when I tried to share them with others I was often not heard or negated, erased or silenced.

The positive thing is that I AM now heard in therapy and what a liberation and relief it was today to cry tears of gratitude knowing and having confirmed that a lot of what my critic tells me is garbage.  I felt so happy and free driving home today and Jasper was with me in the car as he came to session today.  We were singing songs all the way home as my soul did a inward jump for joy.

Another very interesting thing I was reading about last night was about how to grow and be truely themselves a child needs an open safe place to play where he or she will be allowed to let go and let their true inner self out.  This was called by Donald Winnicott a facilitating environment.   It is something I never experienced much in childhood, everything was geared around others needs, I was left alone, things were ultra serious and dominated by household chores and cleaning as well as staying out of the way when we had guests.  I didn’t feel held, seen, known or related to.  I found it difficult in later life to loosen up and have fun and play with others, a lot of my life energy was repressed and I felt shame around who I was.  I think I carried this wound from my Mum too as she experienced a lot of the same as a child.  Knowing and understanding all of this feels so freeing to me.  It makes sense of why I became an addict and of the fear I alway felt around others.  As a child I think I was naturally extovert but also had the sensitivity and watchfulness of  sensitive introvert and that tendency grew in later life as I began to feel less okay and safe inside my skin.

Kat also explained that anger is not always a defence.  Often it is all that is left to us when we are consistently hurt, ignored, unheard, unfelt and unseen.  It is the final call of our inner self that needs to live and feel its authentic essence and energy in the world.   It is a drive towards health and integrity and self care.  This may clear up any confusion from other posts.  I see how at times I make myself into a sacrificial martyr thinking if I only care enough others will care too but in the end adults need to care for themselves, unless they are disabled or damaged in some way.   I can help them when my own life rests on strength and a solid inward foundation but only then and not as a compensation for what I didnt get without recognising that first.

I feel so happy, free and strong this afternoon.  I am making progress with the inner critic and it has been hard going but at least now I will be able to answer it back in a healthier way and not be so swallowed by its story as I have been lately.