I woke up all twisted today after the anger I felt at our family friend’s insensitive comments following the deeply painful experiences that happened in our family which she lifted the lid on over two weeks ago. I get fucking fed up of opening up to trust only to get shat on. I am fucking angry about the years I have been affectec by a toxic family situation I had no part in creating and then felt welded to, trying to go back and get scraps or validation. I kept my heart open and loving and sometimes I just get hurt again. I wish to God I had set better boundaries years ago. That said I am trying to address and work through so much pain from the past and I am doing it and was starting to feel freer before this incident occured. I just dont want life to be pain pain pain. I deserve some affection and happiness too.
So much has been going through my mind since I woke up at 5 am. Another thing that is bugging the life out of me is that my sister who died has four sons who were all badly affected by the trauma that happened to her and they have had zilch help from other members of my family and my Mum even though they make the effort to stay connected. I have shared one of the approached by brother (who is a very wealthy guy) not for a hand out but for work and was rebuffed. The third boy who is a gifted artist and was only 4 when his mother was sent away from them with a one way ticket by her husband and told she had chosen to leave has a family and struggles and could really do with some financial help from my Mum who has helped my other sister’s boys but not him. My heart breaks for him and on one level I am glad he isnt contacting Mum as much lately. I have even thought about selling my own home to downsize so I could help him in some way since property values in my area have appreciated a lot.
Anyway I got that off my chest now, but as to the family ‘friend’ who has left me feeling like I have a bit of schrapnel lodged in my guts and heart this morning I have a mind to ring her and tell her how much damage I feel she has done. In her eyes my mother and father did no wrong and she has not one clue of what I went through growing up in being left alone and then really struggling when the shit hit the fan big time around my older sister’s attempted suicide. It was plain the other day that I didnt figure. She rang me to apologise just over a year ago after she visited another time and asked to see me in the midst of my breast cancer radiation and said this words “you are really looking very skinny”. Yeh what the fuck I have just had a cancer surgery and zilch emotional support and am now at the tail end of radiotherapy WTF!! Bitch!!! I wish at that time I brought up the letter she wrote years ago criticising me when I had left to go back to UK to try and continue my psychotherapy. I was an ungrateful child who didnt know which way was up according to her.
I’m trying to see the humour in the situation so I dont magnify this to a HUGE issue. I cant afford to feel that kind of anger not knowing what to do with it!! She is ignorant and meddling in things. While she visited she was talking about how she is ‘counselling’ all and sundry on their emotional issues. I just wish she would STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR BUSINESS!!! That said I know why she doesn’t.
In a way I am a bit upset with myself for agreeing to go along to meet her two weeks ago. Partly I had a sense I should sit it out, but I did the ‘right’ thing and had hoped we may have connected, but why, when all the evidence from the past pointed in another direction? I wish I would wise up and be less naive at times. I don’t protect myself or stay separate as I long to connect but often with the wrong people. then I end up getting hurt. Maybe this last incident is a learning issue for me. That is how I am going to take it. Thanks to all those who read my last post and showed me support. As I shared in a comment to a valued follower, I feel guilty venting or expressing anger as I was always conditioned to stay silent, swallow it or turn the other cheek. But that means that in the end I just end up with a sore face! Or egg all over it! 🙂
Emerging From The Dark Night 
My turn to reach out. Boy can I relate! Family truly fucked up. No healthy boundaries learned as a kid so ya gotta do it all by yourself. YOU have so much going on in your own life you do NOT need any more grief. Choose your battles wisely. Always always go with yours FIRST. Yeah that’s a tough one to swallow isn’t it? Putting yourself first? We were taught that is vain and selfish. NO IT IS NOT! I too was taught to say nothing to swallow the anger. Think very deeply upon what I am about to say. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but I’m saying it again. Anger turned inward only creates illness, dis-ease, pain, and depression. Stop doing the “right” thing according to the Great Others and do for you whether others like it or not. I’ve begun doing it more aggressively with some in my family and as I told you, it was not well received. I want no-thing to do with them. I’m only in contact with who I want to be in my bio family and he only a little bit because he as well is carrying such heavy from our childhood. One real powerful tie we have is our shared passion for photography. I’m trying right now to persuade him to let me feature his work, IMO which is amazing. He is an underwater photographer and just his equipment alone I have NO idea how he is able to swim. I can “see” the “unworthy” trait still in him and the “insecurity” and I would LOVE for my friends to admire his work to encourage him to go further with his photography and really SHOW it. As for the others … screw them! OH I could not mean that more! I choose my friends and family very carefully because some have powerful ways of persuasion for getting you to start acting and thinking like they do. Anyone who does not respect me and accept me for who I am just as I am in this Moment, I do not want active in my life at all.
And in closing …. to comment on the other comment you left for me. I empowered myself by reaching out to my Mother in Love. The Joy I felt when she finally let her guard down to allow me to see the Little Girl in her and the innocence as well. I still don’t know who my Mom really was, but I of all her 8 kids got inside her heart the deepest. What my siblings think of me for what I did I don’t care. I don’t appreciate their scare tactics FYI so I stay as far away as possible. I have the Gem, the Gift my Mother gave to me and that is knowing without doubt she really Loved me and accepted me for what I do in my life.
Let go of anger. Anger is a useful tool if you transmute it into positive but if left simmering will only end up hurting you. Those who hurt you deliberately are NOT worthy of you at all. I hope you heard me. I “feel” your Heart and it is beautiful. Do you really think I allow just anyone privilege into my innermost thoughts? No I don’t. You are trustworthy and fought so hard to find YOU and to keep you YOU. So don’t give up and let those who hurt you go! Cut the chord. It takes practice so be gentle on yourself. I will keep you in my Heart and prayers. And one last thought. How sad those with money control others. How damned sad. I know that one up and personal too. BIG (((HUGS))) Amy 💞🌸🍁💞
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Yes thank you so much. Every word in this resonates with me. I understand my cancer was caused by feelings turned inward. I felt it forming through all the times I didnt set good boundaries and since and during the time I had it I shed heaps of tears for our family’s collective mother wound.
I have to find more strength to say NO. You are so right.
I fully understand your Mum showing you her inner child. My Mum does the same. I think a lot of her blockages at the moment concern the need she should honor to give help to her grandsons but due to the pain their father caused she may be holding back.
I am very grateful to you for reaching back with a hard truth and gut wrenching honesty. I feel love for you really and know we are on very similar paths So thank you so much I will listen to your advice and pray with help to be stronger and not so ‘nice’.. its so deeply conditioned in me not to be ‘selfish’. ❤
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Remember gentle on you and practice until you get it right. The little word no is very very empowering to say. 😊
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So true 🙂
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What I also did not share in that post is the guilt I feel as my Mum has given my sister and I alot of financial help while my nephews of my dead sister get none. Its a constant burden to me. Anyway I am powerless over my Mum and I have needed the help since I struggled to work following my accident and all my trauma.
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Honey, you are not responsible for what your Mum does. That is not yours to carry. Talk to your Mum about how you feel. Is that possible? We all have to learn how to have healthy boundaries, and one of those is knowing what is yours and what is not. Take care of you first and seek guidance from your heart as to what to do. If you don’t know, don’t do anything until you do. That is totally different from walking in blind faith. If we never took that first step of faith we’d be going nowhere fast. I hope this helped. 😙
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Yes, it did. I know I take on burdens that are not mine. I will talk to my Mum about it when I can find a way. Crying at the moment, just so grateful to you for reaching out to me. Thank you so much, Amy. ❤
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Aw …. we’re both going to get through what we must. I have a big lump in my throat knowing I helped you. 💕💖💕
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Just wanting you to know that accepting me for who I am as in being frank I cannot thank you enough for. My family does not know how to have healthy communication and because I am frank, they fear me. See how beautiful it is when two people have open minds and Open Hearts and are willing to embrace the others’ words no matter how much the truth sometimes hurts? That is when real trust and real growth happen. Bless you 100 fold for helping me. 💕
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Yes the truth is too hard for certain people. I have learned who in my family I can be open with and I value that so much as some of my nephews and my niece get me and get where I come from.
Its hard to keep an open flow if we arent heard, received and accepted in our hearts wounds and vulnerabilites as well as power and strength.
We are helping each other as I see it. I am so grateful we found this connection, too. I value it very much. Lots of love, Amy from Deborah xo
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Lots of love back to you, Deborah. May your heart know peace this evening. 🌺
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Venting is so necessary sometimes. Glad you’ve got this blog and can open up to us. 😉
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