Breathless (October 2017)

It has been very hard to draw breath today, even yesterday I struggled.  I am not sure how much of the breathlessness is due to the fact of the flu infection which I feel may still be settled on my lungs and how much panic/fear/grief that always seems to become huge around this time of the year for me closing in as time is on some very significant anniversaries.  I didn’t manage to make it to therapy yesterday, that is two weeks I have missed now.  Yesterday I was scared I could not make it there but the moment I heard Kat’s voice so soothing and so loving tears welled up inside.  Part of me wanted to get there but part of me felt too weak or scared or god knows what.   So I spent the day just stretching and trying to digest food.  Today I have an appointment to see the radiation oncologist for the first follow up following my radiotherapy treatment for breast cancer last year.  I was due to see her in January and missed two appointments.   I am scared as I am not taking the estrogen blocking medication I was prescribed.  I find it hard to take any chemicals and I not saying its wrong or right, but there is fear there.  I have asked a friend to come with me today which is a first.   I usually find it hard to ask.  I will be so glad of the support.

I also forced myself and Jasper to take a long walk through the park, down by the lake and we pushed on for a while stopping in the green grass on the way back.  Jasper was very jumpy and talkative I am not sure what was up.  He may have been thirsty as I had water but no dish for him.   We stopped a little way back on the park bench and I read my book, the park is close to where both my mother and my sister live.  I thought of them but I knew that having the walk and then needing to see the oncologist is a lot for today.

As I was walking I thought of how people who don’t suffer PTSD or complex PTSD might not understand how much energy it takes when you have these conditions as well as depression to actually get out and move.  I associated forward movement with destruction in some way, the park I walk in is the one all my class mates went drinking in only to be discovered in the last few weeks of school, at that time I had been in hospital following my accident for over 6 weeks, the entire class was expelled and they rushed up to the hospital to tell me the news, both proud and exited.  “We are all expelled”, they said “and so are you.”  I am sure if I was not in hospital I would have been part of the rebel crowd drinking at the park.   Funny how these memories come to you.

Anyway I am proud of the fact I managed a long walk today.  I like to get out of my house in the morning as although solitude is a kind of balm at times I feel disconnected and lonely on the long days when I may not see anyone.   Missing therapy means there has been no heart space to be in with Kat and I missing it, while I am aware over the past weeks I have had thoughts that I should stop therapy.  I don’t know where these come from partly its that I want to leave past pain behind and move forward but my life has been so marked by loss.  I am aware of a very deep sadness around me at present.   Its very heavy.    I miss my Dad,  I am sad I have lost connection with two nephews who didn’t return calls over past months, these are real losses.  I don’t want to dwell on them but they are there, my heart is designed to be connected to others in love, that much I know, my heart suffers and I feel breathless when the longing of my heart to be connected to others in love is denied.   That makes me so sad.