Hopefully

Hopefully one day our deepest traumas will lie in the past.  Hopefully one day we will have ingested them enough to say they no longer exert such a hold.   If only something better comes to take their place.  But what if so much trauma steals from us a desire to be open again to the pain of life, if the hurt is too deep to try again and if we decided enough is enough then turned our back or worse another trauma came which had within it the echo imprints of the old that would not allow us to reach for new life.   I don’t know.  It is hard to even write these days I am almost even at the end of my blog.  I have been feeling so exhausted since the flu came.   It was 7 days of finding it hard to stand.   I finally made it to the shops today.  I tried to nurture myself in these ways.  I brought 5 golden kiwi fruit, two lemons, a jar of apricot jam, some dried apricots, frozen fish fillets and rocket and spinach salad. almond milk, with almond meal and a little packet or dark chocolate buttons with half a dozen eggs to make some brownies.   Juice of orange, pear, mango and coconut water, a jar of baby beets two slices of lemon cake.  I know having a sweet treat may not be the best way to feed a flu but a I think a little bit of something sweet when we are needing it some way of feeding ourselves.

I also bought a sweet little novel called The Muse which I have been reading prior to writing this blog.  I am also going to look into finding a good massage therapist.  I think I am going to give talk therapy a break for a while.  I cannot bear for one more time to go over any more of my trauma story.  I am OVER IT!

Trauma you have stolen too much from me.  I am sick of you trauma.  Trauma I want you to FUCK OFF.  Fear and anxiety exactly why is it that you want to steal everything from me and lead me to believe that my body is unsafe.  I need a safe body for without a safe body it IS JUST TOO PAINFUL TO BE HERE.  To my parents fuck you for all the times you hurt me with things you did so carelessly, things you oversighted and forgot to take care of little me I am full of fury about it YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.   FUCK YOU FUCKS A;TKLJ IT WAS SO HARD THAT I HAD TO RUN TO ADDICTION BUT NOW NO MORE OF THIS PAIN.   IMAGES OF DEAD PEOPLE WHO DIDNT CARE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT PEOPLE WHO DID NOT KNOW HOW TO CARE GO AWAY NOW PLEASE!

Important lesson and note to self.  You must learn to love your body and stop hurting it due to oversight the way your parents did!   If you cannot learn to love your own body then you are doomed.