Behind the barricades

Behind the barricades that this heart erected out of fear to keep out fear fear is bursting forth : love and longing as well as wanting burning bright with an endless flame that cannot be denied Leading me to ask if these two are not the same in some way?

Here in the place where I am the river that needed to rush forward and in flowing met your dams, walls and defences I became ice or water that was stagnant : a breeding ground for all kinds of thoughts I assumed to be true that locked me deeper inside sending up poisonous vapours

So tonight when I feel like my heart will never contain the intensity of this anxiety which is life and love wanting to flow I must enter close with my heart opening the door and say I am afraid Afraid for you to see who I really am Afraid to let you know how much I long for and how much I ache Just in case you say to me Go away and once again I meet a closed door

So over years I locked it all inside and threw away the key or buried it down so deep inside that I forgot where I hid it but now that door must burst open Or else it feels like I will die or explode with all I learned to deny and lock down or hide so deep inside

And at the same time as this anxiety rains down I also feel a promise of spring like a light smell of flowers blown on a warm breeze that tinges my deeper soul with hope and brings memories of a long ago when I stood on the brink and death stole my trust ransoming my life and ability to love over so many years Oh God how I cry so much to surrender so many fears born of wanting born of longing born of loving what was stolen all too soon