I took a friend out to lunch and to a movie yesterday. When I came home, my soul ached and I just sat down and cried. I had been really pushing myself the past few days. With spring on the way I had been waking earlier and I had outings and commitments in the outer world over the past four days. Much as I enjoy these, as an introvert and deep thinker I find them a bit of a pressure most of the time and then I can get drained and tired. The deep focus of the past years has been inner towards dealing with the impact of a difficult past and much as I share that I long to be out in the world, I am growing aware that a lot of my past pain will never be gone, on some level it will be integrated or at least fully known, no longer pressing as much from the unconscious, but I am also aware that I will always have to live the inner life. I was never more conscious of this than after meeting my friend yesterday.
In this life we have all kinds of friends. Some friendships go deep and there is a lot of care and love in this one but my friend is very extroverted and not that conscious emotionally, it is a bit hard to go much deeper in the conversation beyond her own interests which are travelling as widely as she can. I noticed yesterday how much the conversation revolved around her. She didn’t really ask me anything about the past two months since we have seen each other and during that time I had my tooth out and got the new denture. In a way I didn’t want to put a dampner on things by talking about it, but I did notice that the air time went mainly her way. By the time we got to the cinema I fell asleep in the movie as it wasn’t that interesting and I had been awake since 5.30 am and on the go. My friend loved it and laughed most of the way through (when I was awake and not nodding off). We then left . went home, and sat down in the chair with Jasper at my feet and just cried. I realised my soul had been left behind in the encounter and today it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Despite this I did enjoy seeing my friend. I can appreciate her for who she is, but I didn’t really feel we connected or met at the get together at all on any deeper level and that has left a lingering feeling of sadness as I realised the soul friends who had a deep rich inner life I feel are mainly on line here and I miss those kind of deeper connections in my every day life which I am seeing more and more by necessity now has become solitary.
I guess in life the truth is that the deepest relationship we can hope to have is with our inner selves and our inner world. We cannot always expect others to be on the same page or get where we are coming from, but still I think its only natural and human to long for deeper connections with others, that go beyond the superficial. I know that this last encounter has shown me how much I need these in my life and how sad and empty it can feel when the deeper connection is not there.
I will always love and care for my friend who I went though a lot of experiences with when I was younger. But I have to be honest and say that spending time with her can only be a time to time event for me now. I feel more nurtured when I feel the peace within of a deeper connection that fills me. On some level that makes me sad but perhaps it is, I don’t know. I only feel the need to express how I feel today to help my body release itself from the way it has been struggling to process this latest experience.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I have gone through the same thing with friends in the past. Until finally I stopped too. It hurt too much, it put an exclamation point to my isolation. Being with people who didn’t really care made me more aware of how alone I really was. I used to get angry when people would say that we need connections in order to be healthy mentally. YOU CANNOT FORCE CONNECTIONS, you can’t buy them, and no amount of wishing can make that happen. I did discover that showing up in our own life is the only possible way for that to happen. I used to cry out to God and say “I don’t have a clue what it is I even need anymore. Please don’t forget me!” I do hear you and feel your words and the pain behind them. I think the feeling of aloneness has been the hardest thing to endure in this process. I believe it is a feeling we all share. It is just that some of us are more truly isolated than others. Hugs!
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Yes, I took some time away today as I was in a fair bit of pain and questioning. This friend is a caring person she just gets very caught up in her own world and is invested in a lot of defences. I have known this about her for some time.
But saying that all of what you have written is so true. There is something about trauma and loss and deep grief that does isolate us as it is full on experience beyond words to really describe and be ‘got’ by others which changes our world view completely.
That said when someone like you who has gone through trauma and writes about it, those of us who can understand or have been there get it instinctively and intuitively.
I am honouring more and more these days the depths of what I have gone through and the defences that have gone into denying it, which I think is what a lot of us do. Just keep busy, don’t have too much time alone to feel, don’t look inside but such a way of living is so deeply disconnecting.
Its all so complex. I can only say I am so grateful we are connected as it helps so much to be truly heard and ‘got’ because without this it would all be too, too hard.
Much love always D x
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You are so right. And our trauma, because it cannot be fully understood by others, often leaves us with a deep sense of loneliness and that there is something wrong with us. To risk sharing and being misunderstood is unbearable.
There is something powerful when others who have experienced trauma do relate with a deep knowing that goes beyond words. I am very grateful for this too. Lots of hugs!!!❤
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Thank you for writing this. I have had the same experience too and I do understand how you felt. It is horrible to be with someone and yet feel invisible at the same time. I am not good at asking questions as I do not want to appear nosy and my lack of social awareness means I worry about asking something too personal or inappropriate. So generally I am happy to let the other person talk. I get along well with extroverts for this reason as they are always happy to fill silences. But it always leaves me tired and feeling like I may as well have not been there.
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Yes you expressed in those last lines EXACTLY my experience Thanks so much ☺
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Much dear always D x I beget along well with extroverts for this rationality as they are always happy to replete silences.
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