Its is such a thorny issue to address. Do we shut our parents out when they refuse to validate or ‘own’ any of the hurt they caused us wittingly or unwittingly? I have struggled with the issue myself and I was never on the receiving end of sexual abuse from a parent which another parent then covered over like so many have. If the issues were more obvious it may have been easier to deal with.
My father is dead now but I was sharing with a close friend today he never stuck up for me when my mother was being difficult. His response was to laugh and take himself off and then behind my back say that I was only trying to defend myself against her onslaughts but not doing a very good job. Thanks heaps for that Dad! It really helped!
My Dad died when I was 23 and so I never got to address anything with him in sobriety. There is a mythology around my Dad as far as one of my living siblings is concerned. In her eyes he was a golden light and could do no wrong. She had more of him than I ever did as she was 8 years older than me. My older brother just stays mute on things but its obvious not a lot of love is lost between him and Mum. He does his duty in terms of keeping in touch from time to time but there is no warmth in it at all and at a recent get together he challenged her openly on how hard a time she gave my Dad. Admittedly this is from a masculine point of view and it has been hard to open up to a brother who seems to keep up lots of defences when I get emotional or try to open up certain conversations but there could be reasons for that. He left home when I was very young too, so he really knows nothing of what I went through in later years and he and my Dad had a strong bond, which is hard for me.
Today when I got together with a friend I was filling her in on some of the abuse and mistreatment I received from both my mother and my other sister years ago which ended in a head injury. At that time I took off overseas and ended up smashed up. I was so alone. My marriage had ended and so I decided to come home and get physical support but the pain that I had suffered by mistreatment, I now see, was always kicking around inside of me just below the surface. I still had a lot of anger about how I was treated but I buried it. And deep down maybe I am angry that I wasn’t strong enough to build an independent life overseas. But at that stage my PTS was too intense and I felt so scared and unsafe and had no support much.
When my Mum and sister hit the wall with physical and emotional issues from 2012 onward I was there to support and helped them, but I would often end up getting subtly or not so subtly emotionally abandoned again, especially if I tried to be authentic about what hurt. I started working with a chiropractor in 2013 who could have helped me. She implied my Mum would ‘hook’ me back in and at the time I got super scared and defensive about it so I stopped going and to be honest I really regret that now. Three years later I hit the wall with cancer and found myself on my own. To be honest I have always felt on the outside of the triangle and have noticed lately how fickly my mother can be, reaching out to me when things aren’t going well with my sister and she needs someone to empathise with her pain, the pain she has tried to resist ever fully dealing with in any kind of therapy.
As a recent poem shows I have realised how much I have sacrificed in my life to stay close to these two who are so much more shut down emotionally than I will ever be. They are my family and so there is love there (or is there? I really don’t know.. my Mum says all the time “you know I really do love you? Yeah Mum why say it that way?? Sheesh!) but they are severely limited in what they can give due to their own psychological defences.
A few years ago a therapist said to me that he felt more was being asked of me because I had chosen to become a more fully conscious human. He said it was a bit like the case of Jesus on the cross saying “forgive them father for they know not what they do?” Was that the truth or a glamorisation? How much exactly should I forgive? What kind of distance should I keep up? How much should I open myself if I am only going to be hurt again? And so I have kept giving even if at times I end up getting kicked in the teeth. And in many ways I am beginning to see that maybe my Catholic conditioning has limited me.
Today when I shared some of the more painful things they had done in the past I wont go into here with my friend she just said to me. “That would have been it for me. If my family treated me that way I would have just walked away!” That made me feel so sad and that in some way I had abandoned myself. And I am not sure how true that is and I would trust followers to share their opinion as so many of you have probably witnessed my struggle with all of this over the past 3 years.
Tonight as I write this I feel that I am seeing things a lot more clearly. I will never break off contact entirely but I am going to limit it from now on. I have given back a lot, lot more emotional support than I ever really received. Its always been quiet superficial and none of us are Jesus, we cant keep giving and giving if its not a balanced return and our own needs are not being met well (reading that back it may sound selfish but is it?)
Anyway I really want to leave ‘blogspace’ to relax tonight and just chill out and watch some tv, but I really needed to post all this and get it off my chest. As I read other blogs I see how others struggle to separate from mothers and how hard it is as a journey and the grief that is involved in finally letting go of illusions and hope. In the end we have to learn to be our own best parents to my way of thinking and find the love we can inside, hopefully part of that is finding compassion for those parents who due to their own history had so little to give.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
This is something I find hard to talk about. I agree with everything you say. I was disowned in writing by my parents (instigated by my mother) when I challenged my mother’s bigotry and stopped visiting for a few weeks after one of her more vicious rants. She died 20 years later and we never really spoke again. My father (now 80) wants to reconnect but I’m finding it really difficult to forgive all the hurt, and there just isn’t space in my head to go back there.
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Thanks so much for sharing all of that with me. I think at times it takes strength to keep negative influence away from us. I have compassion in my heart at times even for nasty people as I see that so often it comes from prejudice and defence. I have been reading an interesting book on empathy and people who are bigots or prejudiced are actually very fragile and form big defences against things they don’t understand or know. I see a bit of that in my own mother.
It sounds like with your Dad you have set you boundary and that is what works for you. I would be worrying if he was okay if it was me and then I would feel the compulsion to be in touch. But that is where people are different and I actually think when you set a strong boundary that works for you its better for your physical emotional and mental health I am sure you still struggle with it even if its not always on your mind. Do you think that is true? Or are you totally at peace with your decision to go ‘no contact’? Love D
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No – I’m not really at peace with it. I think he was not really to blame but was under her thumb. He is a decent guy at heart. His 80th birthday is next week and we are considering organising a meal out but it is going to be emotionally tough. xx
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I feel kind of glad you are opening the door a little or considering it. Having someone to talk through the emotional reaction may help. I hope something good comes out of it. I could never totally close the door on my family, much as they hurt me so deeply at times. ❤
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I think you have been incredibly honest, open and brave in recounting all of this, and by heck have you been through a lot. The fact that you have “chosen to become a more fully conscious human”, is, I think, a real positive and you are stronger, more aware, more compassionate as a result of everything you have been through. I think that being more open and communicative, just talking and sharing, is underrated sometimes because the potential for shutting people out can be huge when all is said and done. As for parents and how to relate and move on and understand their behaviours, I agree with what you’ve said, especially about learning to become our own best parents. I really hope you have a chilled out evening and get some good rest. Sending a hug your way.. ♥
Caz x
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Thank you so much for that affirmation, Caz. It means a lot to me. It isn’t easy to open up and for me a I feel quiet a lot of shame that I did not have strength to be more financially independent and break away from what I knew was hurting but kept denying in many ways. I really appreciate your kind and oh so consistent support of my blog. I hope you are doing okay and send you love in return. Deborah x
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Oh, how you’ve opened up some huge issues with me on this subject! I recently posted on one of the other sites I post to, BayArt, about boundaries and how it’s extremely healthy and imperative to protect yourself and not allowing others to violate you or your boundaries. I am a mother of three, angry, young adults. They blame me for all of the “horrors” of their growing up years due to my mental illness. I never abused them sexually or physically. I never neglected them. They had a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and stability with family members, including their father, being around and who was aware of my chemical imbalance issues. Now, keep in mind there was a divorce involved and the ex sure is not helping – parental alienation is clearly involved here, according to my therapist. So, the kids paid dearly from both sides and you can understand why they’re so confused. The kids are now all adults; two are in the US Marines – one is set to marry. That should tell you just how badly they want to go back to even DAD. Not at all. It’s not just me here but I’m taking the brunt of that anger; I get it. I felt it when I was that age against my own mother, a recovering alcoholic.
Given that I’ve had to acknowledge the things I’ve done and the hurt I caused with every mood swing, every temper lashing, every job I lost and tried to hide from the kids, the overspending – name your bipolar – manic and depressive – and PTSD trait it was there – and I HAVE, the brunt of the damage to me and to my psyche has come from the youngest, a Marine. I had to take, with guidance from my therapist, a powerful stand: I and my emotional well-being come first. “Family” is not defined by blood; it’s defined by those who share love and support for one another and are committed to that bond. I said I have children but I do not keep in touch with any because they are emotionally dangerous to me. I left it up to them – they have to want me in their lives and I realize that may be “never.” I focus on my life, my relationships, my happiness, what makes me feel good and brings me joy. If I have anything to offer to you, it’s this: keep those boundaries very high and expect little if anything. They won’t change unless they want to. But you CAN. Your attitude and actions are what are to be changed – therapeutic interventions are key here. Your happiness comes first as does your sanity. Namaste.
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Thank you so much for opening up from your heart and your experience. My older sister was bi polar and I saw it as a direct out come of her addiction to booze and over achievement which goes back on my Mum’s side. Her sons were alienated for a long time but three of them never judged her even though the damage in their family had big repercussions.
In my own own case, like you, I have committed to a path of recovery since I was 31. That is when I should have started to set much stronger boundaries with family and I see it now, unfortunately after many years and a lot of naiviety and wishful thinking on my part as well as a refusal to really break away on my part a lot of damage has been done. And I have accepted financial support which may not have been the best thing to do as in some ways it kept me hooked in.
I agree so totally with what you wrote about family being those who love and support you, not with words but with actions. I am realising that I need to spend more time with those who validate and get me. With my Mum I am always trying to reach through her defences to get her understanding, hoping one day she will ‘get’ it, if only I show her empathy care and love. But she can then hurt me again due to unconsciousness and I am really sick of it now.
What you have written has helped me very much, so thank you for sharing as you did with me.
I still have compassion for hurt people who hang onto the hurt though, as we are all human and do the best but having compassion and wanting to stay around to get hurt by them over and over is another matter.
All the very best to you Deborah x
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And all the same, Deborah, I’m Penny. I am here for you should you need a shoulder. My link should be below.
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Thank you Penny. I have now found my way to your blog. Thanks you too for the offer of support. x
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