Panic attacks prior to therapy

I have noticed over the past few weeks I get a major panic attack two or so hours before my Tuesday 3 pm session time.  I have released lately that what ever I sign up for, for example meeting someone at a certain time is accompanied by the anxiety that I will not make it or should not be going and this happens even if and when I meet or go to the appointment and things go well.  There is a critical voice on the sidelines wanting to undo things.

However lately prior to therapy sessions I have a feeling that what I am going through is about more than this, part of me feels it would be better for me to cope alone.   Today’s anxiety is also about the fact that I have a built in detector around not overdoing things to getting too energetic or ‘high’.  My therapist and I discuss this a lot and we have figured out that in childhood it wasn’t okay for me to be lively or energetic at all, and that often I associate someone being energetic with them going over the top, as my Mum would do when she got overwrought.  When I start to feel my spirit rise, it feels safer to  withdraw or to criticise myself.  Often, when young, I was left alone so I had to bury a lot of feelings about what I was going through and hide it even from myself.

Now I can almost turn against the lively child like energy of enthusiasm in myself.  I have the fear that I may be getting ‘high’ or ‘manic’ (and no, I have never been diagnosed with bi polar disorder though two of my sisters have!).

My anxiety seems to have calmed down now for some reason.  I noticed the same pattern last week, I had to phone my therapist to tell her that the attack was so bad that I may not make it.  She didn’t get the message until after I made it there anyway and was on my way home, as I calmed down half an hour before I needed to leave the house.  I think that my psyche must be trying to show me lately and more clearly what  huge part fear has played in my life.  I do believe that often this fear would rather I self sabotage than allow myself to have anything happy or ‘good’, it would rather tell me that others may not be trustworthy than take the chance to find out for sure.  Fear is also a big part of the abandonment depression.

Today I also do think that I may be feeling quiet tired.  I have been awake since 5.30 am I was expecting the man who comes occasionally to help with the garden at 9 am. And at 9.20 he rang to say his grandmother had been taken to hospital. In a way it was a relief as it meant that Jasper, my dog, and I could get out for an earlier walk and on the walk we ran into two lovely people we know and had time to have a long chat as well as a swing at the park that is half way between where I park and the oval where we walk to and play.

After this I went for a coffee, but at the café they were showing Donald Trump’s speech on the increased military intervention in Afghanistan, watching it made me sad, scared and angry and I actually ended up leaving the café in tears.  It triggered feelings of sadness for those caught up in such a terrible situation and also anger that he could be so blind as to justify increased killing would rectify an by now intractable situation which is based on a lie.  Would the US really be seeking to so call ‘protect democracy’ in a country that offered no economic power or control to them?   I left the café wondering if any of us really want to live in Donald Trumps apocalyptic world.

From there I went to the nursery to get some plants, came home and had lunch and then planted the plants but in the midst of planting them a whole lot of negative voices were going around in my head and so then followed the panic attack when I got over heated outside.

With the benefit of hindsight I can see what leads to the attacks.  They occur after I stop from activity and then my body goes through an inward tussle and feels flooded with energy or fluid which I fight to control. I can be close to tears at times.  It is only when I stop and get centred or make the effort to connect to my inner self that the attacks abate.

I am noticing how often lately I can run ‘disaster programming’ over in my mind.   But I also have to be careful as I can dismiss signals telling me I need to take care with certain people who I don’t really connect with or who misunderstand me.  When this happens I tend to blame myself instead of seeing that we operate on different wavelengths.

I am now finishing this post after coming home from therapy.  I managed to do some shopping for groceries on the way home so all in all its been a productive day and despite my fears that I will ‘over do’ it I am actually not feeling tired but just a good energy level.  I seem to be at a point too where I have gained more insight into myself or am at least gaining that insight.  Panic attacks come and go.   When I have them it feels as though I am dying but I know now that that is not the truth, the panic would like to have me believe it, but it lies!